


Second Best

by nothingisreal



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-10-26 05:34:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20737043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: “Fuck Jace,” he muttered, downing the rest of whatever Magnus had put in that glass. Something bitter, very colorful and very strong. [...] The words weren’t meant for anyone in particular but Alec knew he wasn’t quiet enough when Magnus glanced back at him over his shoulder.“I’d rather not if you don’t mind,” he said as he came back, holding two full glasses.[Author's note] For all of you who have never learnt to read, there's Jalec in this fic. There's also Malec, so don't bother telling me to get this fic out of the tag, because I won't. But if your life's boring enough that you feel the need to leave an insulting comment anyway, please feel free to do so. If being a dick makes you feel better, who am I to stop you?This is the last time I'm going to address this issue.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been in my drafts for about two months now (mostly because I couldn't think of a title). I'm struggling with the second part but hopefully I'll finish it soon.

As far as disasters go, that one was pretty spectacular. And really, really bad. There was a very good reason why Alec tried not to let emotions rule over his head - it was bound to end terribly. He knew he was doomed the moment he heard what the price of Clary’s memories was. He tried to keep his mind focused on Isabelle, to remember how much he loved her. But it was futile. He panicked. His thoughts kept circling around Jace.

Not that it mattered. Alec suspected the magic was way too powerful, too dark, to be fooled. The demon would get the truth out of him, no matter what Alec did. The knowledge didn’t stop him from blaming himself.

He could have laughed it off. He could have acted like it was normal. But the realization came too late to change anything. He saw the expression on Jace’s face and his brain shut off completely. He broke the circle. He almost got Jace killed. He was the reason Clary’s memories were lost forever. And he had outed himself, revealed his biggest secret.

If he wasn’t such a coward, he would have faced Jace right afterwards and explained himself. Somehow. Not the truth, that would be a death sentence on their friendship. But he could have said something to soften the blow. 

As it was, he freaked out. After that there was nothing else for him to do other than avoid Jace. The more time passed, the harder it would be to face him. Alec wasn’t good at apologies, he didn’t even know where to begin.  _ Sorry for destroying our friendship. Sorry for being in love with you. Sorry I can’t feel about you the way I should. _ No, it was much better left alone. Besides, it wasn’t like Jace would want to talk to him about it anyway. They had nothing to say to each other. 

Until suddenly Alec was faced with the task of babysitting Clary. It was the first sign the day wouldn’t be good. He just didn’t expect everything to go to hell this fast. He should have known better, Clary brought chaos with her wherever she went.

Jace put a hand on his arm and Alec recoiled before he could even really register the touch. There was no conscious thought in his brain, no time to stop the impulse. He saw Jace’s face harden with resolve and knew he couldn’t escape this time. 

“What is wrong with you?” Jace asked, obviously mad. Alec didn’t blame him. If anything, he was surprised Jace even wanted to touch him. 

“I, uhh… You have every right to be mad at me,” he stuttered out, just in case Jace expected an argument. All he got in reply was an uncertain smile and a stupid joke and Alec felt his own anger bubbling up in his stomach. As much as he’d wanted to avoid the topic, now that they’d started, Alec found himself seething at how flippant Jace was about the whole thing. 

“This isn’t a joke,” he snapped.He tried to explain as well as he could but it was hard to string together a coherent sentence while feeling more nervous than he’d ever been. And Jace still didn’t seem to see the problem.

“You love me, so?” As if it was so easy. And then, “I love you, too, Alec.”

Alec’s heart stopped… 

“Come on, man. We’re parabatai. We’re brothers.”

…and shattered into a million pieces. He was vaguely aware that Jace was saying something else but he couldn’t hear it through the blood rushing in his ears. For a second there, he truly believed he could have what he wanted. How stupid could he be? 

He should have been relieved that Jace hadn’t figured it out. Instead all he could feel was disappointment. For a second he had the crazy idea to get it off his chest once and for all and to hell with everything.

“I just thought you’d think that…” The words were right there, burning in his throat, but he couldn’t quite get them out.

“What?” Jace asked, that soft smile on his face which never failed to make Alec melt a little inside. He swallowed down the words, but they left a bitter taste in his mouth.  _ Coward _ . 

“Whatever,” Jace said, effectively stomping on Alec’s already tortured heart. Clary was all he cared about. 

“You won’t let me down,” he said with such blind trust, Alec suddenly wanted to cry. If only Jace knew what Alec wanted to do each time someone even mentioned that girl’s name. If only he knew what images haunted Alec’s dreams, had been ever since the first time he woke up to sticky sheets in the middle of the night… 

And then Jace pulled him into a hug and Alec knew he couldn’t break this fragile peace between them, couldn’t give Jace up, no matter how much it killed him inside.

***

Of course Clary had to sneak out. Of course she didn’t listen to Alec, she never listened to anyone. Because she always knew better. Alec knew it was partly his own fault, he was supposed to keep an eye on her, but Jace’s reaction was still a blow. He was furious. Alec had never seen his parabatai this angry with him. And all because of some girl he barely knew.

Isabelle was trying to stop them from arguing and it almost worked. Alec stepped away from Jace, intent on calming down and keeping a cool head, so he could think of some plan. But he couldn’t get Jace’s words out of his head, the expression on his face like he could genuinely hate Alec just because Clary had no self-preservation instinct. 

“I love you,” Alec said suddenly, turning on his heel to face Jace. His voice was low and calm. “ _ Not _ like a parabatai. Not like a brother. And I know I shouldn’t but I do.” 

He didn’t know what he was doing, except that he wanted Jace to finally  _ listen _ , to understand what Alec had been going through. How he hadn’t gotten it all through their bond was a mystery but Alec didn’t particularly care. Maybe Jace was so much past caring, he didn’t even pay any attention to Alec’s feelings. 

There was a brief flash of panic which didn’t come from Alec, followed by something very much like dread. He saw it in Jace’s eyes in the second it took him to compose himself. Alec’s stomach dropped.

“You knew,” he said. “You…” he trailed off, closing his eyes and exhaling shakily through his nose. He suddenly wanted to laugh, even though nothing about the situation was funny in the slightest. 

“Alec-” Isabelle, who had been dumbfoundedly watching the exchange from a safe distance, tried to interject but Alec wouldn’t let her. 

“You knew how it’s been killing me,” Alec said through gritted teeth, stepping closer until they were almost chest to chest. “And you played dumb because you didn’t want to deal with it. Do you even care at all?” He needed an answer but it terrified him all the same. 

“Of course I care,” Jace said. Alec would have liked to write off the hurt on his face as a desperate attempt to excuse himself but he  _ felt _ it. Jace was never very good at hiding his emotions or even dampening them. “That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

“And is that why you’ve been so desperately trying to get into Clary’s pants? Because you care?” 

“Don’t speak about her like that,” Jace warned, glaring at Alec. “That’s not fair.”

Alec laughed, loud and maybe slightly hysterical, taking a couple steps away before circling back to where he’d been standing. 

“What’s not fair is being stupidly in love with you for  _ years _ and you not giving a flying fuck.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Izzy square her shoulders, like she was getting ready to step in between them at any second. He half-expected her to say something but she just stood there, watching them with wide eyes.

“You don’t even know her,” he continued, lowering his voice slightly. “I’m your  _ parabatai _ . How…” he trailed off, suddenly exhausted.

“Alec,” Jace said, voice low and insistent. If he said something about finding Clary, Alec wouldn’t be able to stop himself from punching him in the face. “I didn’t say anything because you would have freaked out.”

“And what do you think I’ve been doing since that memory demon?” Alec exclaimed, pushing his shoulders back and balling his hands into fists. “I’m at my wits’ end!”

“I know,” Jace admitted quietly, looking down. “I could feel you.”

Alec closed his eyes and strode away several feet in case the urge to punch Jace got to be too much. 

“Guys, I know the timing’s bad but Simon’s calling.”

_ Screw this _ . Alec was done. As far as he was concerned, he may as well not have a parabatai anymore. But the girl was his responsibility and he’d fucked up. So now he’d help find her so that he could finally have some peace. Away from everyone.

***

Having drinks with a warlock was not on Alec’s agenda that night but nothing had been going according to plan for weeks so what difference did it make? Magnus was everything Jace wasn’t. Dark hair, dark eyes, all bright clothes and glitter, easy grace in every move. And he flirted with Alec like his very life depended on it. Being the center of his attention felt really fucking good or maybe it was the booze because Alec had lost most of the control over his tongue. 

“Fuck Jace,” he muttered, downing the rest of whatever Magnus had put in that glass. Something bitter, very colorful and very strong. They hadn’t spoken since their argument and then Jace suddenly called and demanded Alec help him. Only to ignore him again.

The words weren’t meant for anyone in particular but Alec knew he wasn’t quiet enough when Magnus glanced back at him over his shoulder.

“I’d rather not if you don’t mind,” he said as he came back, holding two full glasses. 

Alec snorted almost against himself. The couch was soft and bouncy and covered with the most fluffy cushions that had ever existed and Alec wanted to sink back against them and never move again. 

“On second thoughts maybe I should have gotten you a glass of water instead,” Magnus remarked, clearly amused. Alec didn’t see the smirk on his face because at some point he must have closed his eyes but he could very much hear it. He opened them when the couch underneath him bounced as Magnus sat down. Close enough for Alec to feel the heat radiating off his body but not close enough to touch. 

“Guess you’d rather fuck me,” he said matter-of-factly, furrowing his brows at the glass on the table in front of him.

Magnus choked. With a sound that was somewhere between a cough and a laugh, he disposed of his own glass and conjured up another one which he handed to Alec.

“Definitely water,” he said, staring at Alec with wide eyes and something that looked suspiciously like a blush coloring his cheeks. “Lots of it.”

Alec shrugged, lost in the way light danced off the glitter around Magnus’s eyes. Then his gaze drifted lower to where Magnus’s shirt didn’t quite cover his chest. Toned muscles and smooth skin, unblemished by runes or scars.  _ Nothing  _ like Jace.

“Alexander,” Magnus said and the sound of his full name made Alec shiver. He forced himself to tear his gaze away from the strip of skin not covered by Magnus’s shirt. He could probably rip the gauzy fabric apart with one hand and then… “Drink up,” Magnus insisted, pushing the glass into Alec’s hands. Their fingers brushed and Alec licked his lips, mouth suddenly dry.

“Well, we did learn something tonight,” Magnus said when Alec finished drinking, refilling the glass with a snap of his fingers. 

Alec hummed questioningly, sipping at the cool liquid, now that his thirst seemed to have been mostly quenched. 

“I was curious what kind of drunk you would be,” Magnus explained. 

“And?” Alec prompted, setting down the empty glass. He shifted, so that he was facing Magnus, pulling one leg up onto the couch and resting his head against the arm he had propped on the backrest. It felt… strangely intimate. 

“I was wrong.”

“Wrong how?” Alec asked absent-mindedly, wondering if it would be strange if he shifted closer. Magnus probably wouldn’t mind. 

“Figured you’d be more angry.” His voice broke on the last word when Alec, having settled his inner dilemma, moved down the couch less than gracefully, his knee coming to rest on top of Magnus’s thigh. 

“I’m… sorry?” Alec tried, fully aware of how not sorry he sounded. It was very hard to care when he could feel his dick twitching slightly in his pants just at the feeling of Magnus so close to him. 

“I’m not,” Magnus muttered. Alec got the impression he wasn’t really meant to hear it this time. “I think I like you better like this. Not that I didn’t like you before,” he added, gazing down Alec’s body, seemingly not even noticing he was doing it. 

Magnus had very nice lips. Alec would just need to lean forward a bit and he could… 

He just barely managed to hold back a whine when Magnus got up suddenly, clearing his throat and tugging at his clothes. 

“I think…” He tried and Alec  _ really _ liked how his voice was lower and deeper all of a sudden. “I think we should maybe call it a night.”

“I don’t want to,” Alec protested. Then some of his common sense came back. “Shit, you must be exhausted,” he said, sitting up straight. “Sorry for keeping you up.”

“I’m not.  _ Really _ ,” he added when Alec opened his mouth to protest. “I’m just afraid you might do something you’ll regret.”

“I trust you,” Alec said immediately. For some reason it was suddenly very important for Magnus to know that.

Magnus opened his mouth but didn’t say anything. There was a look in his eyes Alec hadn’t seen before. Something almost sad. Alec was too drunk to consider it in depth. All he knew was that it looked out of place and he wanted it gone. 

“What was that about Jace?” Magnus asked, sitting back down at the far end of the couch. It took a moment for the question to sink in, because Alec was frowning at the way too big distance between them.

“Jace?” He asked, like it was some foreign word. The name tasted strange on his tongue now. He felt almost guilty for saying it out loud, like he was somehow tainting the space which belonged strictly to Magnus. 

“He’s just being an asshole,” he said in the end, shrugging. 

“Do you want to… talk about it?” Magnus asked, hesitating halfway through the sentence.

“There isn’t much to talk about,” Alec decided. “I’ve been in love with him since I was like… sixteen maybe? And he…” he paused and sighed. “Well, you’ve met him, you know how he is. But what did I expect anyway?” He chuckled humorlessly. “He’s obviously straight and obviously not interested but… I don’t know.” He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at the strands.

“Alexander.” Magnus’s hand was on his knee and he must have drifted back into his personal space at some point. “It’s okay.”

Alec shook his head. “I guess I just wanted him to at least give a fuck,” he said, realizing how bitter he sounded. “And not go around flaunting how obsessed he is with that girl. I’m his parabatai, for fuck’s sake,” he exclaimed, muscles tensing as he moved as if to get up. Then he realized it would dislodge the hand Magnus still had on his leg and fell back against the couch. “I’m his parabatai,” he repeated, quieter this time, “and he still chooses  _ her _ every single time.”

Magnus was rubbing comforting circles on his thigh and Alec felt goosebumps breaking out despite the fabric separating his skin from Magnus’s fingers. The urge to lean in and press his lips to the warlock’s got stronger.

“It gets better,” Magnus promised. It might have been the way Magnus made him want to stay like this forever, but for some reason Alec believed him. 

***

He didn’t want a bachelor party. He didn’t want any party. He didn’t even want the freaking wedding for crying out loud. But Izzy was Izzy and there was no point trying to argue. Alec decided to just give in and save them both time. Perhaps he should have seen it coming but he really didn’t expect to see Jace.

His first instinct was to run. But he couldn’t avoid his own parabatai for the rest of his life.  _ It gets better _ . 

“It’s my bachelor party, so you go first.”

He half-expected Jace to argue or at least hesitate. All he got was a nod and a short pause during which Jace probably tried to find the right words.

“I don’t know how things got so messed up between us,” he said and Alec felt a pang of guilt mixed with anger because he did know. “But I do know my life has been a lot harder not having you to talk to.”

“Mine, too,” Alec admitted reluctantly, wondering if Jace would take the words at the face value or if he would read more into this, now that he knew how Alec felt about him.

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

The sentence did something to Alec because Jace was the one person in the world who had more power over him than anyone else. If someone could hurt him, it was Jace. And it stung that even with everything out in the open he was still determined to avoid Alec’s confession. 

And maybe Alec should have left it at that. He would have before. Before Izzy’s trial. Before the memory demon. Before constantly coming second to Clary. Before Magnus… But Magnus had done something to him, as much as Alec didn’t want to acknowledge that. He made Alec feel that living like this, with Jace pretending that Alec had no feelings for him other than brotherly love, it wasn’t worth it. Jace knew already, so what was the worst thing that could happen?

“Well,  _ I _ never wanted to fall in love with you but guess what,” he said with a crooked smile, feeling cruel satisfaction when Jace’s face fell at the statement.

“Alec…”

“You can’t just avoid it forever, you know,” Alec continued talking, trying not to let himself overthink it. “So if you want to just punch me now and tell me I’m insane, go ahead, so we can finally get past this and go back to being friends.”

“Alec,” Jace said again, looking at him like he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Then he closed the distance between them in three quick strides and Alec braced himself for the blow which never came. 

Instead Jace grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him. Alec pushed him away almost instinctively because  _ what the fuck _ , Jace didn’t just get to joke about this, not like this. But there was nothing but honesty in Jace’s eyes and Alec didn’t know what to make of it anymore. 

“Please, let me just…” Jace trailed off, glancing down at Alec’s lips. Alec could only watch dumbfoundedly as Jace leaned in again. This time he knew what to expect but the feeling of Jace’s lips on his still took him by surprise. 

They kept it soft for god knows how long. Alec’s head was spinning and his thoughts were running a mile a minute because this couldn’t be happening. He felt the leather of Jace’s jacket under his fingers and his stubble scratching at his cheek and he smelled the very familiar cologne but he still refused to believe this was real. Not even when Jace coaxed him to open his mouth and then Alec could  _ taste _ him on his tongue. 

There was the faint thought that he should stop this insanity before it went too far. But Alec’s body felt like it no longer truly belonged to him and all he could do was stand there and let Jace kiss him like he’d been dying to do it for years. It took Jace’s hands on his belt buckle for Alec to regain some control over his own body. He gripped Jace’s wrist, keeping him still. 

“You’ve made your point,” he gasped out, pulling away so that he could look Jace in the eye. “Don’t…” he trailed off, biting his lip. Jace glanced down before focusing back on Alec’s eyes.

“I’m not… Okay, so maybe I was at first,” he admitted. “But now I genuinely want to.”

“Jace,” Alec said warningly. Except his voice broke. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Jace’s.

“Please, Alec,” Jace asked quietly and it went straight to Alec’s dick. “Let me do this.”

“I’m marrying Lydia,” Alec said with determination, desperate to remember what he was supposed to be doing. It was really difficult with Jace’s hand practically on his dick.

“I won’t try to stop you,” Jace promised. “Come on, Alec. Can’t you feel it?”

All Alec could feel through the bond was some mild confusion and excitement. His own emotions on the other hand were a real mess. 

They were still for a moment during which Alec tried to get his brain to start working properly again. But then Jace took the pause as an invitation and his fingers resumed their awkward fumbling on Alec’s belt buckle. Alec didn’t stop him. 

And then Jace’s hand was inside his pants and he was squeezing Alec’s erection and Alec had to kiss him to stop the surprised moan from escaping. His parabatai rune felt strangely warm and tingly which didn’t help his problem of possibly coming embarrassingly quick.

“Jace,” he gasped against Jace’s lips.

“I know,” Jace whispered. 

“I… I want…” he pulled away and bit his lip.

“What do you want?” Jace prompted. His lips were red and he was staring at Alec with wide eyes like he wasn’t quite sure what was happening or maybe just couldn’t believe it. 

“I…” With a frustrated groan, Alec abandoned his attempts at speaking and decided to act instead. His hands were trembling as he rested his palms on Jace’s abdomen, just above his waistband. Jace nodded, the hand he still had inside Alec’s underwear slowing down to a stop as he watched Alec unbutton his pants. Then he trailed it up Alec’s torso, taking his sweater up as he went, and traced the rune on Alec’s side. 

“Does it feel weird?” He asked.

“Warm,” Alec said, giving in to the urge to lean in and kiss Jace again. “We really shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Yeah,” Jace agreed, even as he shrugged off his jacket. “But you’ve got the rest of your life to do what you  _ should _ ,” he reminded. It was flawed logic but Alec didn’t really care. Jace was right, it was his bachelor party, the last night of his life as he knew it, and he could do whatever he wanted. 

He was expecting Jace to freak out at any moment but he was perfectly calm. Probably calmer than Alec. Which really wasn’t that difficult because Alec was sure he was losing his mind. The feeling only intensified when Jace pulled off his shirt and Alec was faced with lots of skin covered in runes. His mouth went dry as he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“This is a terrible idea,” he said, reaching out to run his fingers up Jace’s side.

“Yeah,” Jace agreed easily and more than a little breathlessly. Then he pulled him in for another kiss, effectively stopping Alec from saying anything more. 

Alec didn’t think much of it when he pressed his hips forward but then their erections rubbed against each other and he broke the kiss with a gasp. 

“Come on,” Jace muttered, tugging at his sweater until Alec got the clue and took it off. He pushed Jace against the closest wall, not really knowing what he was doing, except that it felt really good and he needed more. 

“If anyone finds out about this,” he said, feeling the rune on his side pulsing almost warningly. 

“Shut up,” Jace huffed, laughing quietly. Alec loved that smile. Then Jace kissed him again and he forgot what he’d been talking about in the first place.

Jace shoved at his pants, pushing them down past Alec’s butt together with his underwear. Alec hesitated for only a second before doing the same to him. He didn’t realize what it would mean until Jace bucked against him and their erection pressed up against each other, skin on skin, and Alec forgot how to breathe.

He swore, breaking the kiss to look at Jace. He needed to make sure it was real and not just another one of his dreams. An extremely vivid, extremely realistic dream. Jace gasped his name, hands reaching down to squeeze his ass and pull him closer and Alec decided that no, it couldn’t be a dream. Which made it all the more insane.

When Jace licked his own hand and wrapped it around both their dicks, Alec thought he might come in about two seconds. Then Jace kissed down his neck, stopping to suck at Alec’s pulse point, before breaking away with a moan.

“Fuck, this feels really good,” he muttered, voice full of wonder and just like that Alec was gone. 

It took him a while to come down from the high. And then another one to realize Jace was still hard against his hip. One of his hands was gripping Alec’s hip, drawing patterns on the skin there, the other tangled in Alec’s hair. Alec allowed himself another moment until he could feel his legs again, then reluctantly pulled away from where he’d been resting most of his weight on Jace.

“Let me,” he said, fingers hovering over Jace’s erection which was glistening at the tip and Alec’s mouth actually watered at the sight. 

“Yeah,” Jace gasped, staring at Alec with wide eyes. 

Touching a dick which wasn’t his own felt weird. And strangely thrilling. Alec wanted to sink to his knees and take Jace into his mouth but it was a bad idea for many different reasons. He settled for stroking Jace and the position had its advantages. Like watching Jace’s face as he spilled all over Alec’s fist. Or getting to kiss him as he was still riding out his orgasm.

They stayed like that for a long time, Alec with his forehead pressed against the wall above Jace’s shoulder, feeling Jace tracing patterns over his back. As his brain started functioning properly again, he realized that they weren’t just random patterns either. Jace was tracing over his runes and Alec had to close his eyes and breathe for a moment as he let it sink in that Jace had catalogued every rune there. Though maybe it wasn’t that strange after all. He was also the one who’d drawn most of them in the first place.

“Don’t freak out,” Jace said and pressed a kiss to Alec’s shoulder.

“I’m too fucked-out to freak out.”

Jace laughed and Alec forced himself to finally step back and pull his pants up. Jace watched him with his head cocked to the side and Alec felt himself blush.

“But you will. I give it an hour tops.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “You’ll know when I do.”

“Yeah,” Jace said. Alec tried to ignore the way Jace glanced down at his side where the parabatai rune was. But he wouldn’t be able to forget the soft smile on Jace’s face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning - I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with it, so the ending could be malec, jalec or anything in between whatever that means.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this one to the anon under the last chapter. They really motivated me to write it. Not to mention amused me. So here's some pure smut for you all. And maybe a bit of plot too. 
> 
> I haven't proofread it yet. Oh and I forgot to mention but if you find anything too obviously British or un-American in the fic, let me know. I'm doing my best but it can be tricky to keep the Briticisms out, especially when I don't know they're Briticisms.

Alec tried to sleep, he really did. But the second his head touched the pillow and he closed his eyes his brain decided to provide him with extremely vivid scenes from the past day. And so Alec was left to toss and turn for hours, Magnus’s words bouncing around his brain, interlaced with the memory of Jace’s face as he came. Alec could have sworn he still felt the ghost of Jace’s touch on his skin.

He was wired, half-hard, and somewhere between turned-on and pissed. In the end he gave up and left his room. He needed to punch something. A couple of hours of mindlessly taking all his anger out on the punching bag had never failed before. He should have considered the possibility that someone might already be there. But why did it have to be Jace? Seeing him shirtless always made Alec feel a bit unstable but now that he’d felt that skin pressed against his own in a completely different context than when they were sparring… well, it was hard to stop himself from doing something stupid. Not to mention illegal.

“Can’t sleep?” Jace asked, pausing to look at Alec, who shook his head. “Me neither.”

Alec wondered if it would be considered running away if he left now, rather quickly and without saying a word. Then Jace was walking over to him and it didn’t matter anymore because he’d lost his chance to get away.

“Alec, are you really sure you want to do this?”

“Jace,” Alec said warningly.

“I know, I know,” Jace mumbled, raising his hands. “But…” he trailed off, staring at Alec with an unreadable expression which made him want to look away. He was too surprised to protest when Jace grabbed his arm and dragged him back down the corridor. He didn’t know what exactly he was expecting but it wasn’t his own room. He narrowed his eyes at Jace.

“What are-” Jace cut him off with a kiss and Alec’s brain needed a second to reboot. 

“Waitwaitwait,” he said, pushing at Jace’s shoulders to get him to back off a bit. 

“I want to, Alec,” Jace said with such heat in his eyes, Alec was almost ready to believe it. “Come on, you’d know if I was lying.”

Alec closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the door. He didn’t open them when Jace’s hands trailed up his chest under his T-shirt. 

“I want…” And just like that he sank to his knees right in front of Alec and now Alec really had to look because it had to be his imagination. 

“Jace,” he gasped, going for warning but too breathless to sound even remotely threatening. “This won’t-”

“I know,” Jace cut in. “So if this is the last chance I get, at least let me do this. I couldn’t stop thinking about this since we… earlier.”

That sent all the blood down to Alec’s dick and he nodded before he could think better of it. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to remember who he was and what was going to happen in several hours. The sight of Jace on his knees for him, pulling down Alec’s sweats and licking a wet stripe up his hip was a really good distraction. 

Then Jace’s lips wrapped around the tip of his dick, no preamble, and the back of Alec’s head hit the door with a dull thud, as he balled his hands into fists and tried to _ breathe _ . He was going to come embarrassingly quickly. Not that anyone would have any right to blame him because _ Jace was blowing him _ . Not only was it his first blowjob ever. It was _ Jace _. Alec would be imagining this moment every time he jerked off for the rest of his life.

Jace trailed his hand from the back of Alec’s thigh to his ass, prompting a surprised moan out of him when he felt one finger circling his hole. Jace must have taken it as encouragement because a second later he put some pressure into it, not enough to breach the ring of muscles but enough to put the thought in Alec’s head, and Alec was gone.

“Jacejacejacejace,” he gasped, grasping at Jace’s shoulder. “Fuck, I’m gonna-”

Jace pulled off and wrapped his hand around Alec, jerking him off in quick, confident strokes. His finger was still teasing at Alec’s hole and then Alec was coming, hips pushing off the door as he covered Jace’s hand and wrist. 

“That was _ hot _,” Jace said, forcing Alec to open his eyes and look down. Jace was staring up at him with wide eyes and a grin, lips red and swollen. Alec’s quickly softening dick twitched half-heartedly and he whined.

“That was quick,” Alec corrected. He would have felt embarrassed but Jace had blown his mind. He didn’t even care when Jace wiped his hand off on Alec’s sweats, spunk and all.

“Yeah, I feel strangely flattered,” Jace agreed with a chuckle. Alec swatted at him weakly which only made Jace laugh harder as he got to his feet. This time when they kissed there was a strange taste to it and Alec moaned weakly when he realized that he could taste _ himself _ on Jace’s tongue. 

“Do you want me to-?” 

“Can I fuck you?” Jace blurted out. Alec gaped at him. 

“Why would you want-?”

“We don’t have to,” Jace said, stroking Alec’s hip absent-mindedly. “But if you-”

“Yeah,” Alec breathed. “Yeah, okay.” 

He closed his eyes and pulled Jace in for a kiss. As long as he didn’t start _ thinking _, they should be fine.

“The Clave wouldn’t be too happy about us committing Eros,” he said, anyway. 

“Do _ not _ think about the Clave right now,” Jace said, laughing as he pulled off Alec’s shirt before stepping back to take off his own clothes. Alec watched him spread out on the bed and pat the mattress beside him.

He pushed his pants the rest of the way down, kicking them off when they pooled at his ankles. It should have been embarrassing, especially with the way Jace was staring at him, but it was _Jace_. They'd seen each other naked too many times to count. Admittedly, that was in a different context (except for all those times when they walked in on each other jerking off) but still. Alec's knees still felt weak after his earlier orgasm - or maybe it was just Jace who had that effect on him - as he stumbled over to sit down on the very edge of the bed. The mattress shifted and then there were fingers trailing up his spine, followed by lips pressed to his shoulder.

“Besides,” Jace whispered, scraping at the skin with his teeth, “it would totally be worth it.”

Alec wasn’t sure he quite agreed. But Jace pulled him back until he lay down and threw one leg over Alec’s hips, straddling him with that smirk on his face. Alec had lost the fight and he couldn’t even be mad. Not with Jace’s weight on top of him, pinning him to the mattress. 

Alec wasn’t hard yet - it had been a pretty mindblowing orgasm - but he had a feeling he’d get there real quick with the way Jace seemed determined to lick every single rune on his body. He moaned Jace’s name, tugging at the now-messy blond hair, not meaning anything by that gesture but Jace _ whined _, finally tearing his mouth away from the overheated skin of Alec’s tummy to stare up at him in wonder.

“I think I just learned something new about myself,” he said with a smirk.

“I thought you’d learned something new about yourself yesterday when you humped my thigh,” Alec countered, surprised that he still had enough brain power to form proper sentences. 

“That too,” Jace agreed, shrugging. “You got some lube?”

Alec went red. He squirmed on the bed, aware of Jace staring at him knowingly. 

“Now he’s getting shy,” he laughed, pinching Alec’s side.

“The nightstand.” It took all his strength not to shove his face into the pillow and hide. Instead, he closed his eyes and tried not to overthink it when he felt Jace shifting on top of him and heard the drawer open and close. 

“Still wanna do this?” 

Alec’s eyes shot open and he must have looked about as panicked as he felt because Jace shook his head and smiled softly.

“_ I _ do,” Jace assured him. “Just want you to be sure.”

“I am,” Alec whispered, finally letting himself look - properly _ look _ at Jace. He’d been dreaming of this moment, never believing it could become reality. It was surreal. He still expected to wake up with a wet spot on his underwear.

He didn’t make a conscious decision to do so but his hands were on Jace’s body, stroking down his chest to the hard abs, where he hesitated. Jace didn’t push. He just sat there looking at Alec and the only sign that Alec’s sudden exploration had any effect on him was his heaving chest and the way he was biting his bottom lip. 

Alec’s fingers wrapped around his erection and Jace shifted on top of him. The movement made Alec, now half-hard, brush against his ass. Jace’s mouth fell open and he furrowed his brows. When he rocked back again, Alec couldn’t hold in the moan. 

“Change of plans?” Jace asked. “How about you fuck me?”

Alec swore loudly and closed his eyes. He must have died. He’d died and by some colossal mistake ended up in heaven. Or maybe this was his personal hell, Jace asking him to fuck him only to disappear or turn into a demon and Alec really needed to stop thinking like five minutes ago. 

“Only if you want to,” Jace said, gently stroking along the muscles in Alec’s stomach.

Alec couldn’t stop the incredulous “Are you kidding me?” from escaping.

“I’ve been fantasizing about having sex with you for actual years,” Alec said and immediately wondered what the hell he was doing and why he was saying that because Jace _ really _ didn’t need to know. “The only reason I didn’t let myself even imagine fucking you,” he paused, cringing at how his voice broke on the word _ fucking _, “was because it was too unbelievable even for a fantasy. Also, because I would probably come just thinking about it,” he added.

Jace stared at him with open mouth, blinking quickly. Alec should have probably freaked out at what he’d just confessed to, but the sight made him strangely proud of himself. He raised an eyebrow, almost like a challenge and waited for Jace’s reaction.

“That’s a _ yes _, then?” Jace asked after a long moment, low and breathless. 

“You can’t honestly want me to-”

“I do,” Jace assured him, leaning down to kiss him, mouth open and tongue flicking over Alec’s. Only to pull back a second later. “I really.” A kiss. “_ Really _ do.”

“Our bond…”

“Will be fine,” Jace said and Alec nodded. 

“Okay.”

“Prepare me?” Jace asked, handing Alec the bottle of lube. “Or should I?”

Alec shook his head, trying not to think about it too hard as he spread the cool liquid on his fingers. It probably would have been slightly easier if he could actually see what he was doing but he really loved having Jace on top of him like that and wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

Alec rested his fingertip against Jace’s hole, not doing anything other than letting Jace get used to the feeling of someone touching him there. Then he put some pressure into it and was surprised at how easily the muscles gave way and then he had his finger _ inside _ Jace. Jace, who was frowning in concentration like Alec had seen him do sometimes when they were sparring or out fighting demons. It was a weird comparison. He shifted his hips, pushing back against Alec’s hand.

“How does it feel?” Alec asked, not aiming for dirty talk but honestly wondering what Jace was thinking. 

“You’ve never done it?” Jace asked, looking down at him with genuine surprise. 

Alec shrugged, blush rising on his already hot cheeks. He’d fingered himself before. More than once. It was kind of the thing he liked to do when he had some time to kill and needed something more than a hand on his dick. But it was always his own fingers and it must have felt different when there was another person involved. Besides, Jace didn’t strike him as the type of guy who usually went for this kind of thing.

“Holy shit, Alec.” Jace leaned down to kiss him, _ hard _. “I’ve never thought that picturing you fingering yourself could be such a turn-on.”

Alec’s dick twitched and Jace must have felt it if the knowing smirk was anything to go by. Alec expected a witty comment but Jace just pressed their foreheads together, bent over in a way that must have been hell on his back, and breathed shakily.

“Another one,” he said.

Alec complied immediately. It went in just as easily as the first one, making him frown. 

“Have you done this before?” He asked, taking note of the sound Jace made when he scissored his fingers, pushing them deeper. He prodded at the walls gently, looking for the spot that should make Jace a writhing mess. It never failed to work on Alec.

“No. I’m not exac- _ holy shit what was that _?” 

Alec chuckled quietly, pleased with himself, and pressed against the bundle of nerves. It got the same reaction as the first time. Jace let out a surprised moan, hips rocking back on their own accord, and then forward, so that his dick rubbed against Alec’s belly.

“You could’ve told me earlier,” Jace gasped out, straightening up to look at him properly and Alec took the opportunity to slip in another finger. This time there was a bit of resistance but Jace was too relaxed to tense properly and then Alec had to breathe deeply through his nose as he imagined his own fingers pushing into Jace. “I’ve been missing out.”

Alec laughed, grabbing Jace’s shoulder with his free hand to pull him down for a kiss. It was… _ easy _. He couldn’t feel awkward, not around Jace, it just wasn’t possible.

“Enough,” Jace gasped after several minutes of making out as Alec fingered him lazily. “How do you want me?” 

Alec hesitated. He kind of really liked Jace on top of him but he’d been wanting to do something for ages now. 

“On your back,” he demanded and manhandled Jace into the right position without waiting for him to move. 

He slid down the bed, keeping an eye on Jace’s face to watch his reaction. If Jace wanted him to stop, he would. But all he got were wide eyes and parted lips and that looked nothing like reluctance. Especially when Jace shifted his hips on the bed, seemingly not even realizing he was doing it. 

Alec hesitated for only a second before wrapping his fingers around the base of Jace’s erection and leaning down to lick a wet stripe from the bottom to the tip. Jace gasped somewhere above him and the corner’s of Alec’s mouth twitched in a proud smirk. He wrapped his lips around the tip and slid down, taking as much as he comfortably could. Which, objectively speaking, wasn’t very much, Alec had never done this before and he was nervous as hell, but it prompted a moan out of Jace anyway. 

“Shit, Alec, your _ mouth _,” Jace muttered. “You should probably fuck me now before I decide I’d rather come like this.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Alec said before his brain could filter the words. 

“I would.”

Alec chuckled weakly, his cock twitching at Jace’s neediness. He knelt up between Jace’s legs and reached over his body to retrieve a packet of condoms from the nightstand. It made Jace raise his eyebrows, corners of his mouth twitching, and Alec cleared his throat. 

“Izzy?”

“Izzy.”

Jace laughed, stretching beneath him and Alec let himself pause for a moment to appreciate the muscles flexing under the skin. Then Jace spread his legs in blatant invitation and Alec almost dropped the condom he was gripping. 

“Here, let me,” Jace asked, taking the packet from Alec and tearing it open. Alec closed his eyes and counted from twenty to one as Jace rolled the condom down his erection before wrapping a lubed hand around him and stroking him a couple of times. It didn’t really help much, he still was very much in danger of coming embarrassingly fast. Again. Being a virgin was no fun. Though he wasn’t actually a virgin anymore and wasn’t that a crazy thought?

“Okay?” 

“Go ahead,” Jace encouraged with a smug smile Alec immediately wanted to wipe off his face. Jace’s thighs felt hot and firm where they were bracketing Alec’s hips and he was looking up at Alec with so much trust. Then he licked his lips and Alec thought he might lose it. 

He tore his gaze away from Jace’s face to focus on what he was supposed to be doing instead. He could handle this. He’d already had Jace’s mouth on his dick and survived, this couldn’t be so bad.

With the tip of his dick pressed to Jace’s hole, he paused for another second to breathe deeply and check up on Jace who was now smiling fondly at him. He pushed his hips forward another half an inch and then he was _ inside _ Jace and it was warm and tight, so fucking tight, and as soon as the head was in Alec had to stop and just _ breathe _, count to twenty in Spanish which he barely knew just so he wouldn’t come. 

Jace was digging his fingers into Alec’s shoulder. His head was thrown back and his mouth open and Alec wanted to ask him if he was alright but Jace beat him to it, moving his hand from where he’d been gripping the sheets to Alec’s hip. 

“Keep going,” he gasped, gently pushing at him, prompting him to move. “I’m fine. This is- _ oh _…” He trailed off with a moan when Alec pressed another inch inside. “This is good.”

It felt like eternity but finally Alec pushed forward fully, hipbones pressed to Jace’s ass as he bottomed out. It was torture. The best kind of torture. Jace was so tight around him, Alec was ready to come just like this. 

Jace shifted his hips experimentally, prompting a broken moan from Alec.

“Jace,” he said breathlessly and a bit warningly because seriously, he was barely holding on. 

“You feel nice,” Jace said conversationally, sounding like he’d just made a wonderful new discovery. “Move.”

Alec swore, pressing his already sweaty forehead into the crook of Jace’s neck because if he looked, it’d be over before they could even properly begin. The drag on his cock felt amazing as he pulled his hips back slowly, mindful of Jace making a surprised sound under him, careful not to hurt him. He put some force behind the thrust and Jace swore loudly, drawing his knees higher up Alec’s body.

Suddenly Alec didn’t know what he was so afraid of. This was easy. They were in sync. It was just like fighting, moving together, able to anticipate each other’s every move. They fell into a rhythm and Alec was sure sex wasn’t supposed to be this graceful, especially the first time, but it wasn’t awkward. 

He didn’t know how he managed to make it last long enough for Jace to come, fist working quickly on his own cock as he spilled on their stomachs, but it felt like an achievement. 

“Come on,” Jace urged, pressing his lips to the side of Alec’s neck, his shoulder, any piece of skin he could reach, relaxed and sloppy. 

And that was it. Alec gave a few more jerky thrusts before pushing as deep as physically possible, coming harder than he ever had in his life. He had just enough strength and common sense left to fall onto the bed beside Jace instead of collapsing on top of him like a dead weight. 

“Holy shit,” Jace muttered, staring at the ceiling with wide eyes, voice full of wonder as Alec struggled to tie the condom off, fingers clumsy from his recent orgasm. “This was… _ wow _…” He started chuckling, a happy, carefree laugh Alec hadn’t heard in years. 

They were quiet for a long time, both trying to catch their breaths. Alec was waiting for the panic to set in but it never came. His muscles felt like jelly and his mind was blank. Jace rolled onto his side to face him, an almost shy smile on his face.

“Alec?” He whispered, tugging at the wrinkled sheets absentmindedly, not looking at Alec. 

“Yeah?”

“What if you could have me?” Jace asked, finally glancing up at him. There was a mad glint in his eyes that Alec had seen before, too many times to count. He knew all of Jace’s expressions and this one always appeared right before he did something incredibly reckless, incredibly stupid, because he refused to stop for a second and use his fucking brain. 

“_What _?”

“If you could have me,” Jace said, voice steady, but filled to the brim with emotions, “would you still go through with this?” 

“_Yes _ ,” Alec hissed with a frown. Jace had finally lost his mind. For good from the looks of it. “I’m marrying Lydia,” he added, voice softer. “And I _ don’t _ have you, so it’s a moot point.”

“Why not?” Jace demanded. “What if I want you to?”

“You don’t,” Alec argued weakly, voice breaking.

“Alec,” Jace whispered. His palms were hot where he put them on Alec’s cheeks. Then Jace kissed him and Alec clutched at his shoulders, not knowing if he wanted to push him away or pull him closer. 

He shook his head slowly. Here he was, everything he thought he ever wanted laid out in front of him on a silver platter like an offering, his to take if he only had the guts to go for it. And suddenly he wasn’t so sure he wanted it. He _ shouldn’t _ want it.

“At least let me stay here tonight,” Jace begged, pressing his forehead against Alec’s as they panted into each other’s mouths. “_Please_. I don’t think I can be alone now.”

And Alec agreed. Because he would do anything for Jace. Destroy the whole world and sit in the ruins, staring at the pieces of his life. Even though he knew that could be all it was - Jace didn’t want to be alone. Clary wasn’t an option anymore. And he just couldn’t bear the thought of losing Alec too. He was being a self-sacrificing idiot again. Probably decided that since he couldn’t have what he wanted, at least Alec should. 

Or maybe he genuinely meant it… As crazy as it sounded, maybe he really did love- Alec needed to stop that train of thought immediately. Before it made him do something ridiculous like canceling the wedding or professing his undying love for his own freaking parabatai. Possibly both. He needed to get these insane ideas out of his head and get some sleep. Everything would be okay in the morning. Like waking up from a bad dream. 

Jace sleeping with him was natural enough. Admittedly, it had been a few years since the last time and they’d never done it naked before. But Jace was good. Jace was familiar, always. Alec knew every rune on his body, every feeling, every stupid idea. It was comforting to listen to Jace’s even breaths, as he lay there, safe and warm in Alec’s arms. 

It was decidedly less unsettling than falling asleep to images of blue sparks and low voice telling him to do what was in his heart. Especially since Alec didn’t even know anymore.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up to you guys - do I make it an open ending or do I write another chapter to finish it off "properly"?  
Mind you, I'm going to be pretty busy for most of next week and possibly after that. And there's that Clizzy fic I've been dying to finish. Though theoretically, I could have the next chapter written by Sunday if I don't get writer's block.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been tempted into writing this. I don't know where I'm going with it. Or I do but I'm not ready to admit it yet. Also, for a person who really loves planning, I'm turning out to be surprisingly crap at it once again. Oh well, for those of you still here - enjoy!

He didn’t get any sleep. Jace was out like a light, curled up on his side, face pressed into Alec’s pillow and palm heavy where he rested it on Alec’s stomach, right on top of the parabatai rune which felt more uncomfortable than ever. It was as if some invisible force was pulling at the flesh there, making Alec want to claw at it, peel the skin off until he couldn’t feel the strange electricity anymore. 

Alec's thoughts were racing. He felt almost feverish with the way images kept jumping in his mind. Lydia’s smile when she agreed to marry him. His mother’s disappointed expression. Jace coming apart underneath him. Magnus’s heated stare fixed on him. Izzy trying to convince him everything would be fine. Clary and Jace kissing… 

He gave up on the idea of sleep long before the sun could rise. Careful not to wake Jace, he sneaked out of his own bed. Dressing in the dark was weird but he’d done this before too. After that it wasn’t too difficult to sneak out of the Institute, everyone was either out on patrol or busy with the wedding or with their jobs. 

Alec didn’t know where he was going, only that he needed to get away from it all, at least for a little while. The Institute was his home but it didn’t feel like it. It was suffocating, especially now with his wedding and everything that had happened with Jace. Alec’s head was a prison, and maybe it had always been like this but he’d never felt this caged before. 

He determinedly refused to wonder what it said about him when he suddenly found himself on Magnus’s doorstep at three in the morning. Since when was Magnus’s loft the place he went to when he felt like crying? Alec didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it either. He didn’t want to think - period. He could always feel guilty for having woken Magnus up later. Assuming he’d even been asleep which Alec wasn’t sure was the case. But then, Magnus always looked nothing less than perfect, no matter what he’d been doing, so it was hard to tell.

“Alexander,” Magnus greeted him with a surprised smile as he opened the door. Alec really wished the warlock would stop calling him that and also that he never would. “Wasn’t expecting you.”

“Could we have a drink?” Alec blurted out, stepping inside. He knew he was basically inviting himself over but would Magnus even mind? It didn’t look like he did if the way his smile widened was anything to go by. But there was also concern in his eyes, something Alec wasn’t sure he liked but what also made him feel warm inside. Being around Magnus was making him feel all kinds of things which he’d always thought should be mutually exclusive.

“Of course,” Magnus said, locking the door with a wave of his hand and leading Alec over to the couch. “What would you like?” 

“Whatever’s really strong,” Alec decided, ignoring the way Magnus glanced at him. It was either way too early or possibly too late to be having drinks but Magnus didn’t say a word and Alec would be forever grateful for that. He appreciated Magnus’s concern. He appreciated even more how he waited for Alec to finish… whatever the brownish liquid he was drinking was… before starting a conversation.

“You seem… on edge,” he said off-handedly. Alec would have bought the seemingly nonchalant tone if it wasn’t for the barely visible frown. 

“Why me?” He hadn’t meant to ask that but now that he had, he realized just how much he needed to hear the answer. 

Magnus widened his eyes for a split second before composing his expression. 

“Alexander,” he whispered, spreading his arms. “That-”

“Why me?” Alec repeated. He didn’t know where this urgency came from but he needed to know. He needed to know if Magnus really was just playing, like Alec had been convincing himself for weeks he was, or if there was something more to this. He was desperate enough, sleep-deprived and terrified of the wedding mere hours away, to gamble his life away on nothing more than words. Because what he’d said before was true. He did trust Magnus. Stupidly and inexplicably but he did and it felt really fucking good.

“What do you want me to say?” Magnus asked. “Are you okay?” He seemed genuinely concerned which was the only reason Alec didn’t turn on his heel and slam the door behind himself. Avoiding an answer didn’t necessarily mean rejection. Alec didn’t even know what he was  _ offering _ in the first place.

“Magnus,” he whispered, realizing he was shaking only when Magnus put a hand on his shoulder and guided him gently to the nearest armchair. “ _ Why _ ?”

Magnus shrugged, bending down to pour some more of that brownish liquid into his glass. He set the bottle back down on the coffee table and fiddled with the screw cap for longer than was strictly necessary. He was biting on his bottom lip in a move that was strikingly unlike his usual larger-than-life self. Almost as if he was nervous. As if Alec of all people had the ability to make anyone, let alone the great Magnus Bane, nervous.

“You’re not like most Shadowhunters,” he said after a long while. Alec gripped the glass tighter, reminding himself to breathe. “You’re not like most  _ people _ . There’s just something…” He trailed off, finally looking up at Alec’s face and Alec was swept away by the open honesty he found there.

“I had sex with Jace,” he blurted out and watched Magnus’s face turn into a stone mask. “He practically offered himself to me,” he added. “Said I could have him if I canceled the wedding.” He raised the glass to his lips and took a big gulp, cringing as the liquid burned at his tongue and throat.

“Then why are you here?” Magnus asked, narrowing his eyes and moving to walk away. Alec grabbed his hand before he could.

“Because I couldn’t.” He bit his lip and sighed, lowering his gaze down to the almost-empty glass in his lap. “I can’t stop thinking of you,” he added, voice barely more than a whisper.

“Alec…”

“Jace wants me to be happy,” he said, louder, ignoring the feeling that he was trying to convince himself rather than Magnus. “He doesn’t really love me like that.”

“What if he does?” Magnus asked, causing Alec to look up at him so quickly he got dizzy for a second. 

“What?” 

“Let’s say he does love you like that,” Magnus said, staring at Alec with intensity which was almost combative, “what would you do?”

Alec shook his head slowly. “I don’t know.”

Magnus snorted in a way that had Alec’s stomach clenching. He only realized he was still holding Magnus’s hand when the warlock made to pull back. Alec tightened his grip and got up, squaring his shoulders. 

“Magnus,  _ I don’t know _ ,” he said. Maybe it was futile, trying to get Magnus to understand what Alec himself couldn’t, but he’d succeed or die trying. “A month ago I would have been happy I guess. But now…” 

“Alexander,” Magnus said, voice soft and low again. It made Alec want to hide his face in the crook of Magnus’s neck and let the warlock cuddle him until he felt like he could breathe again and if Alec had ever had a really odd thought, this was it. 

“I don’t know,” Alec repeated, aware that he sounded like a broken record, setting his empty glass down and walking over to the open balcony door where he could lean against the doorframe. The cool breeze helped him feel like he wasn’t suffocating. And it was easier to collect his thoughts when Magnus was a reasonable distance away. 

“I just… I feel so messed up,” he mumbled. It was more honesty than he’d been planning on but he trusted Magnus, probably more than he should have. 

Magnus sighed heavily. Alec heard footsteps but didn’t turn to look. Magnus passed him in the doorway, gentle fingers wrapping around Alec’s wrist and pulling him outside. It reminded him of the way Jace had grabbed him, except for how there’d been nothing soft or cautious about that gesture.

He leaned against the railings and looked at the dark sky. It was raining but Magnus must have put up a spell because the balcony remained perfectly dry. It was cold and windy and blissfully dark.

“Better?” Magnus asked and Alec nodded, smiling almost against himself. “I’d tell you you’re not messed up but I don’t think you’d listen.”

Alec shook his head slowly. He turned to look at Magnus thoughtfully. He’d already said more than he’d wanted to. Worst case scenario, he could always blame the alcohol.

“I don’t think I can marry her now.”

It was silent for a moment, save for Magnus inhaling sharply. Alec’s whole body was tense, like he was preparing for a fight, and he realized with a start that he was anxious about Magnus’s reaction. 

“Alec-”

“But I  _ should _ . Magnus, what the hell am I even doing?”

There was a hand on his arm and it would be reassuring if it wasn’t for the way it made Alec want to do something stupid. 

“I…” His gaze fell to Magnus’s lips. “I really want to do something I shouldn’t.” he muttered. It took a second and then Magnus parted his lips, eyes wide, like he’d finally got what Alec meant but didn’t quite believe it.

“Like what?” Magnus asked, voice barely more than a whisper.

Alec stepped into his personal space, close enough that their noses were almost brushing against each other. He gave Magnus plenty of time to react, one way or the other. Then he realized Magnus was waiting for  _ him _ to make the choice. So he rested his hand on Magnus’s cheek and kissed him.

Kissing Jace had felt like falling. With Magnus Alec was floating. He felt like he was melting with how gentle Magnus was. His arms were wrapped around Alec’s waist in a loose embrace, like Magnus was trying to convince himself Alec was real. He left Alec to set the pace, not pushing for more. 

“Magnus,” Alec gasped, pulling apart. He stared at the warlock with wide eyes, not sure what to make of all that he was feeling. It was nothing like how he’d made out with Jace earlier. He really wanted to freak out, to get out of there, but couldn’t. Instead he kissed Magnus again, more insistent, swiping his tongue across the warlock’s lips.

He didn’t know what he was doing. All he knew was that he needed more. It wasn’t fireworks or any of that ridiculous romantic crap. If anything, it reminded Alec of all those silly roller coaster rides Izzy used to drag him to when they were kids. Like when you get to the top and there’s a second of pause before the nosedive when your stomach drops and it’s terrifying and exhilarating and you feel more alive than ever before. How was he supposed to give it up?

Magnus was the one who broke the kiss this time. Alec followed him with a whine before he realized Magnus was pulling away. 

“You okay?” He asked, making Magnus chuckle.

“I should be asking you that.”

Alec shrugged. 

“We should probably stop. You’re drunk-”

“I’m not,” Alec said, shaking his head. “I swear I’m not.”

Magnus sighed. Alec could practically see his resolve crumbling. 

“Unless you want to stop?” He asked, suddenly realizing it was a possibility. Just because Magnus was one flirting with him like the world was ending didn’t mean he needed to want this. “Because if you do-”

“I don’t want you to regret it,” Magnus said, one hand coming up to stroke Alec’s cheek. Alec leaned into the touch instinctively. 

“I don’t think I would,” Alec whispered but nodded anyway. “Okay. I’ll get going then.”

“You can stay,” Magnus offered, letting his hand fall to Alec’s cheek. “I’ll make you a nice hot cup of tea and then we can just sit out here for a bit. What do you say?”

Alec smiled softly, trying to wrap his head around the fact that Magnus was, in fact, real. No matter how hard it was to believe it sometimes. 

“Sounds perfect.”

***

Alec didn’t want to do this. He really didn’t. It was just… life wasn’t about doing what he wanted. There were other things he needed to think about. It didn’t matter how much he wished he could just let himself be swept off his feet, charmed into believing everything would somehow turn out alright if he followed his heart. How much he wanted to believe Jace wasn’t just staying stupid meaningless shit because he thought Alec was ruining his life. How much he yearned for the possibility of forever having Magnus by his side like he did the night before.

It just wasn’t that simple.

And so he found himself smoothing out the nonexistent creases on his pants, trying to pretend his hands weren’t shaking. He’d never wanted to run away this much in his entire life. But it needed to be done. Another hour or so and then it would be over and wondering about all those what-ifs would be pointless. He just needed to survive those sixty minutes, say his vows, and get ready for the rest of his life.

“Alec,” Jace said from where he was standing a couple of steps behind Alec, watching him in the mirror. Somehow he managed to put everything he wanted to say into those two syllables. Hearing his name said like this, so pleading and broken, was almost enough to make Alec crumble again.  _ Almost _ . 

“I can’t,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Alec,” Jace repeated, more urgently, striding over to where Alec was adjusting his clothes. “You don’t deserve this,” he said and Alec had to put all his strength into ignoring their bond because he could  _ feel _ this wasn’t an act, that Jace really was teetering on the edge of a breakdown. As if he had anything to panic about. It wasn’t his fucking wedding or his happiness that he was throwing away and Alec really shouldn’t think like that. He wasn’t throwing away his happiness. He was doing the right thing, this was the only rational solution to all their problems.

“We’ll find a way. Izzy-”

“No,” Alec interrupted decidedly. In the mirror he saw Jace squeeze his eyes shut and stumble like he was drunk. “I’ve got to do this,” he added, softer, turning to face Jace. It was probably a bad idea but he couldn’t stop himself from putting his hand on Jace’s shoulder, not quite sure what this gesture was supposed to convey. Love? Comfort? Alec would have thought he’d be the one in need of reassurance, not his parabatai.

Not that he wasn’t. But he couldn’t show weakness. If he let anyone see his confidence in the decision wavering, there was a whole miles-long line of people waiting to jump at the first opportunity to talk him out of this. He’d already let Magnus see him uncertain, he couldn’t afford any more slip ups. He needed to be strong. For the sake of his family, of Jace, everyone involved. 

“I love you,” Jace said, his voice breaking. If Alec closed his eyes, he could even pretend it meant what he’d always wished it would. But he wasn’t that teenage boy, hopelessly praying for something he knew he’d never have. 

“I love you, too,” he answered easily and he could have sworn Jace stopped breathing. “We’re parabatai,” he added, turning back to face the mirror. It was almost funny how they’ve had this conversation before, except with the roles reversed.

And he could almost convince himself he’d imagined the flash of anguish hitting him full-force before Jace could shut off the bond.

***

As much as he was freaking out earlier, once he actually stood at the altar, Alec felt suddenly… well, not  _ calm _ exactly. But like he’d truly accepted his fate. No going back now. Lydia looked gorgeous walking down the aisle. He’d made a good choice. She was a lovely girl and with time he’d learn to love her. Perhaps not that all-consuming passion that clouded his judgement which seemed to be what most people wanted. But Alec didn’t live in a romance novel and in his line of work, passion could get you killed. If only Jace could understand that.

Alec could feel him through the bond. He could feel  _ everything _ . And Jace may have been the more emotional of the two, which really wasn’t saying much, but Alec had never seen such despair in him. It was getting hard to breathe, to  _ think _ . Alec knew he was only getting the watered-down version of what Jace was experiencing and the knowledge was killing him. He hated to see his parabatai, his best friend, suffer so much. Especially when it was at least partly his fault.

It would be over soon. They just had to say their vows, put the rune on each other and all the pain would be in the past. Alec took a deep breath, preparing himself for the familiar sting of stele on his forearm which never came. Because suddenly everyone just paused as if frozen.

_ Magnus _ … He was actually there. Alec was perfectly willing to write it off as his frenzied imagination acting up because of all the stress but everyone had turned around to stare and Lydia had actually lowered the stele, expression uncertain and  _ Magnus freaking Bane was really there _ . 

The High Warlock of Brooklyn was crashing his wedding on the off chance that Alec would change his mind. Despite how much of an asshole Alec had been to him. There really was no mistaking the intent, nobody would be able to pretend he was there for anything other than Alec. Showing everyone so openly how much Alec meant to him, that he was worth taking a risk. Fighting for Alec’s heart because he  _ liked _ him. As silly as it sounded, that was what it all came down to in the end, wasn’t it? Alec wanted someone to finally  _ choose _ him for him. Not because there were no better options. He wanted someone to decide he was worth the effort, that he was good enough just because he was him. 

He took a shaky breath which did nothing for the burning in his lungs. He didn’t know anymore which part of what he was feeling actually belonged to him and which was Jace flooding him through the bond.  _ He couldn’t breathe _ . He heard Jace say his name as if through a thick wall. He couldn’t look away from Magnus. The warlock had the amazing ability to put idiotic ideas in Alec’s head just by existing. And this one was by far the craziest. 

His legs felt like jelly as he walked down the steps, away from Lydia, away from the thoughts of duty and obligations. And maybe it should have been terrifying but Alec felt oddly exhilarated. He’d kissed Magnus before, just several hours earlier, but it was nothing like what he felt when their lips met. With so many witnesses around, he could hardly pretend it’d never happened. He didn’t want to pretend. Not anymore. About anything.

Relief. He’d never felt so light in his life. Except it didn’t come from him. It took Alec a second to realize that, brain sluggish because he’d just kissed Magnus Bane in front of dozens of people and how was that really his life? But the sudden calmness was Jace who apparently stopped freaking out the second Alec’s lips touched Magnus’s. When Alec glanced back over his shoulder, fingers still gripping the lapels of Magnus’s jacket a bit too tightly, Jace was looking at them with a strange expression, something almost like regret. But their bond was thrumming with happiness and Jace had nothing to regret - well, not this time at least - so Alec decided to do the smart thing and let it go. If Jace wanted to talk about something, he’d talk. Alec had no intention of dragging it out of him by force.

“You okay?” Magnus asked gently. Alec turned back to him to find the warlock watching him with a soft smile which looked a bit too uncertain, considering what Alec had just done.

“I’m great,” he answered and maybe for the first time in his life really meant it one hundred percent. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! I know it's been ages but life happened and then I had writer's block. I haven't abandoned the story but it may be a while until I post the next chapter. No later than around Christmas though (hopefully). For those of you who are still interested - thank you and hope you enjoy this chapter! <3

Alec’s head was whirling. There would be so many questions asked and so many answers he couldn’t give, didn’t want to give even if he knew them. He didn’t care. He was blissfully, purposfully not giving a fuck about the mess he’d gotten himself into. And maybe the guilt would set in later but for one long while he just wanted to be unapologetically happy.

People glared at him, shocked, disappointed stares following his every step as he strode through the Institute and he didn’t mind as much as he’d always thought he would. It felt good. He could almost see why Jace would sometimes run head-first into danger without a second thought - there was something extremely addictive about just letting go and not worrying about the consequences. 

Though it could have had something to do with how he could still taste Magnus on his lips. 

He was so lost in thoughts, he only noticed Jace shifting his weight nervously in front of Alec’s door when he heard his own name. 

“I can’t believe you did it,” Jace exclaimed, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him towards his chest before hesitating halfway through the movement. Alec resisted the urge to roll his eyes and pulled him in for a proper hug.

“Neither can I,” he mumbled into Jace’s jacket, realizing suddenly that he was shaking. Jace’s arms were strong around him and Alec stood there for a long moment, breathing in the familiar smell of soap and cologne and something distinctly _ Jace _. It was calming in ways he couldn’t explain, like coming home after a long time away. 

“I’m so fucking proud of you,” Jace whispered into his ear. His mouth brushed Alec’s cheek, perhaps accidentally, and Alec had to suppress another shiver, this time for completely different reasons. Jace wasn’t allowed to get such reactions out of him anymore. He belonged to Magnus. And whatever silly idea Jace had gotten into his head about having to save Alec or whatever he’d been thinking… well, it was all in the past. There was no need for that insanity anymore. Alec had come out to the entire Institute, as well as the Clave because there was no way they wouldn’t hear about it, and there was no risk of him getting married anymore. Jace could finally let it go. 

He stepped back, too abrupt to be casual, and cleared his throat. Only a few days had passed since the last time he felt awkward around Jace but it felt like ages. Alec hadn’t missed the feeling. Now that everything was out in the open and Jace didn’t need to save him anymore everything should be back to normal. Awkward wasn’t normal. They were off-balance in ways Alec couldn’t truly comprehend because it’d never happened before. How was he supposed to fix them when he didn’t know what the problem was? 

“I should- I should get going,” Jace muttered, avoiding Alec’s gaze. His face was redder than usual and Alec didn’t know what to make of it. When did they get so fucked up? 

Alec wanted to stop him, to say something to make it all better but words had never been his strong suit. So all he could do was stand there and watch his parabatai’s retreating back, feeling a pain inside his chest which he couldn’t pinpoint and which he didn’t believe belonged to him. 

***

Confrontation with Maryse was as unavoidable as it would be unpleasant. Alec wasn’t an idiot to think, even for a second, that he could get away with what he’d done without ever having to face his mother’s wrath. He just wished Izzy wasn’t there because he knew his mother and sister and he knew that war could break out in three seconds flat - _ would _ break out - because Izzy would never stand there and let Maryse berate Alec for trying to be happy. And with Izzy being Izzy, their mother had more than enough ammunition to completely tear her down. Izzy didn’t deserve this. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Maryse spat through gritted teeth, standing close enough so that she didn’t have to raise her voice. Alec could tell she really wanted to but the need not to make a scene in front of the entire Institute was stronger. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw several people pause, fingers hovering over the keyboards and stares glued to the screens but that was as subtle as they got.

“You can’t seriously blame him for this,” Izzy interjected before Alec could even open his mouth. “He has the right to be happy.”

The glare Maryse sent Izzy’s way would have turned any other person into stone. Izzy wasn’t any other person, so she stood her ground, chin raised high, staring at their mother unflinchingly. Maryse looked her up and down before obviously deciding she wasn’t worth her time and fixing her glare back on Alec who held his breath. 

“Calling off the wedding would have been one thing,” she said slowly, voice cautiously low and cold like Alec had never heard before, “but to kiss that warlock in front of everyone…” 

Alec looked at the ground, not really feeling the shame he should have felt, but knowing better than to argue with Maryse when she was half-mad with fury. Unlike Izzy, apparently. 

“Leave him alone,” she said, taking a step forward, so that there was barely any space between her and their mother. Alec made an aborted move to pull her back, then thought better of it. “How can you do this to your own son? Do you really want him to be miserable for the rest of his life? He doesn’t want a wife.” 

“There are more important things than what we want, Isabelle. Alec has always understood that.” Her glare shifted to him once more, something very much like contempt clear on her face. “Or at least he used to. Turns out he’s just as selfish and irresponsible as you are.”

“Leave her out of this,” Alec demanded coldly, not caring that his voice was a bit too loud or that the woman closest to him abandoned all the pretenses and just turned around to stare at them openly. “She’s done nothing wrong.”

“Nothing wrong?” Maryse repeated with a sarcastic laugh. “There are a lot of things she’s done wrong. But now you’ve really outdone her. Congratulations. The Lightwood name has never-”

“At least we didn’t side with a mass murderer,” Alec interjected before he could think better of it. “If you want to blame someone for disgracing the family name, blame yourself.”

“You can’t speak to me like this,” Maryse said, glaring at Alec like she’d never done before. He’d never given her a reason before. 

“I don’t want to speak to you at all,” Alec retorted. He pressed his lips together and watched his mother’s face go from white to red as her fists clenched and her nostrils flared. He didn’t wait for an answer as he walked away, out of the Institute, hoping Izzy would have enough common sense to leave as well. 

***

It shouldn’t have been a surprise that he ended up in front of Magnus’s front door again. It was as if something inside him was tuned in to find the warlock whenever he was feeling like his life was going to hell. Which happened a lot recently. Alec was too tired and not quite ready to consider what it meant just yet. All he really wanted was a hug which wasn’t something he had ever allowed himself to think, not even when he was a child. 

He should do something about it, Alec thought one second before realizing he didn’t need to anymore. Because now he had the right to come over to Magnus’s whenever he wanted. Or at least he hoped so. Not that he thought Magnus would ever kick him out or turn him down when Alec needed help. Seeking comfort from a warlock, a _ male _ warlock at that, wasn’t something he’d ever expected to be doing. There were a lot of things he’d never expected. Maybe it was too early to know for sure but he didn’t think it bothered him in the slightest. 

“Alexander,” Magnus exclaimed, eyes wide and bright before his brows drew together in concern. Alec wondered if he was getting flashbacks to the last time Alec had appeared on his doorstep unannounced in the middle of the night. “Is everything alright?” 

Alec nodded automatically, then paused to actually consider the question. It seemed to be all the answer Magnus needed because then there were gentle hands on Alec’s arm and he was being pulled into the apartment and then further inside, past the living room and into the bedroom.

“Magnus?” He asked, slightly alarmed but mostly puzzled as they finally came to a stop in Magnus’s bathroom. 

“You need to relax, Alexander,” Magnus said, swiping his thumb over the skin of Alec’s wrist, making him shiver. “A hot bubble bath and a nice glass of wine always does the trick.”

Alec smiled, words catching in his throat as he watched Magnus wave his hand and cause the bathtub to fill with steaming water. He didn’t know what he’d ever done to deserve Magnus but he was very close to falling head over heels, too close for comfort if it wasn’t for how safe Magnus made him feel just by existing. It was terrifying how much Magnus meant to him after such a short time but Alec felt too good to worry about it just yet. There’d be time for it later. For now he wanted to enjoy the moment, enjoy how the first and maybe the only thing he’d ever truly wanted and never dared to even dream he’d have had somehow become reality and to hell with everything else. Just for one day.

“Thank you,” he said, fighting against the impulse to reach out and pull Magnus into a kiss. Just because he’d done it in front of dozens of people didn’t mean he was ready to do it again. That had been the adrenaline, he wasn’t thinking. In the privacy of Magnus’s loft, the very thought of kissing Magnus made Alec’s stomach jump with nerves. 

Magnus waved his hand and a pile of neatly folded clothes appeared on the shelf. Alec needed a second to recognize them as his own. Then Magnus’s fingers brushed against the back of his hand, effectively derailing his thoughts, before the warlock pulled away, heading towards the door. 

“Take as long as you want,” he said over his shoulder. “Would you like to have a drink later?” He asked without stopping.

“I’d love one,” Alec replied, staring at Magnus’s back before the warlock waved his hand carelessly and the door fell closed with a quiet bang. 

Alec exhaled shakily, suddenly realizing how stiff his entire body was with tension. It’d been a long day and an even longer couple of weeks. So much had happened in such a short period of time and all the stress seemed to be finally catching up to him. 

The water was hot and smelled of something sweet and creamy, which reminded him of Magnus even though he couldn’t quite put his finger on _ why _. Alec couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken a bath. Probably back when he was still a kid, long before golden eyes and careless smirk started haunting his dreams. And yet, despite everything, he’d be lying if he said he missed that time. His life may have been simpler but simpler didn’t necessarily mean better. 

He wasn’t sure how much time he’d stayed like that, not doing anything other than letting the water slowly unclench his stiff muscles. Magnus must have put a spell on it because as Alec stood up what must have been at least thirty minutes later, the water was still as hot as it had been when he first got in. The mirror was completely steamed over, as were the windows and it made Alec feel oddly satisfied. He pulled on the fresh clothes, ran his fingers through his hair in a move which probably only made it messier, and headed for the living room, feeling much better than just an hour earlier.

Magnus was sitting in his armchair, legs crossed and a sparkly drink in hand. Alec was momentarily thrown back to when he came to ask Magnus to be Izzy’s lawyer. He shook his head and the thought was gone. That was all in the past. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, shifting his weight to his other foot. Magnus looked up, eyebrows raised and lips parted and Alec knew he’d have to explain. “I was a real asshole.”

Magnus smiled softly, cocking his head to the side. He put the drink on the table before getting up and strolling over to Alec. _ Slowly _, like he was dealing with a wild animal which could spook in a matter of seconds. Not that he would be completely wrong to think that. Alec knew he’d given him more than enough reasons to be very careful around him. 

“Alexander.” There it was again, that smooth, low voice which Alec only heard when Magnus said his name. Magnus opened his mouth, then paused. “Have a drink,” he said, waving his hand in the direction of the sofa. Alec got the impression it wasn’t what he’d been going to say but didn’t press. 

Instead he followed Magnus’s lead and let himself sink into the soft couch, happily accepting the glass of wine Magnus offered him. He drank most of it in one go, rather against his better judgement, put the glass on the coffee table and sat back, content to just watch the warlock. He felt loose and happy and like his bones had turned into jelly. It’d been ages since the last time he’d been this relaxed. If ever. 

Magnus was still talking, saying something about vineyards somewhere in the south of France but Alec wasn’t really listening. He couldn’t make himself look away from Magnus’s lips. Earlier in the bathroom it sounded like insanity but now… Now it was something completely different with Alec smelling of Magnus’s soap, spread out on his sofa like he belonged there, and with Magnus so close to him but not close enough to touch, driving him half-mad. Once the thought sprung up in his brain, there was no way he could force it back out again. 

“I want to kiss you,” Alec blurted out. He felt blush rising on his cheeks but refused to look away. Magnus was sitting there with his mouth open, dumbstruck in the middle of a sentence. Alec still wasn’t over how he could reduce the great Warlock of Brooklyn to _ this _ but now wasn’t the time to question it.

“I… We…“ Magnus stuttered out. He cleared his throat and shifted on the sofa. “I mean, yes. If you really want to.”

Alec didn’t bother answering. Instead he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Magnus’s. This was hardly the first time they kissed but it felt different. It was their first kiss since Alec had impulsively come out to the entire Institute and there were ninety-odd people to confirm just how not straight he was. There was no pretending he didn’t mean it now.

Not that he wanted to. Magnus’s hand was on the nape of his neck, fingers brushing through Alec’s hair, and his other hand was grasping Alec’s shoulder tightly, like Magnus was afraid he’d disappear into thin air. Alec broke the kiss to inhale greadily, head spinning as his thoughts raced. Then Magnus said his name, low and hot, and Alec forgot what he’d been going to say as he pressed his palm between Magnus’s shoulder blades and pulled him in for another kiss. 

He’d had never felt this urgency before. He’d experienced some of it earlier when Jace… But it was different, nothing quite like this electric current thrumming just under his skin, goosebumps breaking out wherever Magnus touched him. Alec would have accused him of using magic if it wasn’t how Magnus always made him feel anyway, like being constantly over-caffeinated.

Jace was familiar in ways that Magnus couldn’t be. They didn’t have years worth of history. Alec knew Jace inside out, knew his body - even if, until very recently, it was in an entirely different context. With Magnus, Alec needed to learn everything from scratch. And he really, desperately wanted to. He needed to know every inch of Magnus’s body so badly it made him feel like he was burning up inside. He tentatively let one of his hands wander down Magnus’s spine. When Magnus didn’t stop him, he hesitantly trailed one finger over the skin of Magnus’s lower back, just over his waistband.

“Alexander,” Magnus gasped breathlessly against Alec’s lips. Alec slowly pushed his shirt up, just enough to be able to run his other hand over the hot skin. Magnus breathed shakily, fingers tightening on Alec’s shoulder… 

And then the fucking phone rang. 

Alec wanted to ignore it. But five seconds later, common sense managed to finally break through the thick fog of lust clouding his brain and he realized it could be important. Still, it took all his willpower to make himself unglue his hands from the warm skin of Magnus’s back to fish for the phone in the pocket of his jacket. 

“What is it?” He asked, a bit more aggressively than he’d been meaning to. Magnus pulled away and sat up straighter, cheeks redder than Alec had seen before. 

“Alec,” his sister’s panicked voice was like a bucket of icy water dumped on his head. “We need you here. Something’s happened.”

“I’ll be right there,” Alec promised, standing up so quickly, the room spun around him for a second. “Are you alright?” Magnus shot him a worried look but Alec’s mind was set only on his sister and whatever had been happening in the Institute while he was making out with Magnus like a fucking teenager. His mother really did have a point when she said how selfish and irresponsible he was.

“I’m fine. Is Magnus with you?” Izzy asked, not even waiting for a reply before carrying on talking. “Take him with you.”

Alec looked over to where Magnus was watching him with furrowed brows. 

“We’ll be right there,” he promised. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger! There really was no better place to end the chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

There were no bloodied corpses on the floor nor screeching demons flying past when they entered the Institute. It probably should have made Alec feel relieved but years of training taught him to always be on his guard and never let the apparent peace put him at ease. Just because something  _ looked _ right didn’t mean he wouldn’t get slaughtered the next second. Though, in his line of work, that statement was true more often than not, no matter what was going on.

One hand on his seraph blade, the other extended slightly in Magnus’s direction - an unnecessary move, Magnus was more than capable of defending himself, but one that made Alec feel calmer, more in control. Unlike him, Magnus didn’t seem too apprehensive or anxious about what they would find. Alec couldn’t decide if the nonchalance impressed or annoyed him.

“Alec.” Izzy’s voice startled him more than he would’ve liked to admit. “Lydia’s hurt. Hodge has the Cup.”

“ _ What _ ?” Alec exclaimed, tightening his hold on the weapon. “How did it happen?” He asked, striding forward, further into the Institute, so quickly that Izzy had to break into a light jog to keep up with him. 

“He’s been working with Valentine all this time, Alec. I can’t believe it,” she added. Alec felt the immediate need to hug her but there were more important things. His sister would be fine, she was much stronger than he could ever wish to be. 

“What are the orders?” 

“There are none.” Came the immediate reply which made Alec stop mid-step. Izzy almost bumped into him, barely managing to stop in time, one hand grasping his elbow as he spun around to glare at her. As if it was her fault.

“Explain.”

“Mom thought we should keep it down for now,” Izzy said quietly, staring up at Alec with wide eyes, squeezing his arm. He couldn’t tell if the gesture was supposed to be reassuring or warning. 

“You can’t agree with her,” he exclaimed, not caring that some people glanced his way. 

“I don’t. But we can’t start an open war with her right now.”

Alec looked down at her, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards despite the fury threatening to explode inside him. 

“Look at you being the voice of reason,” he muttered, pulling her closer in a half-hug. “We’ve got to do  _ something _ though. Alright, Jace and I will go look for him, you try to get more people to help as quietly as you can.”

A shadow flitted across Izzy face. She swallowed, biting her lip and slowly stepping back from Alec. 

“Alec…”

“What aren’t you telling me?” He demanded immediately when she trailed off. The way her gaze flitted towards the other side of the room, away from him, made him even more suspicious, anxiety churning in his guts. “Iz, just spit it out.”

“He’s not here,” she muttered, voice smaller than Alec had heard in years, if ever. Cold sweat broke out at the back of his neck.

“Where is he?  _ Izzy _ ,” he urged, when Izzy failed to answer. 

“We don’t know.”

In a rare display of emotion, Alec slammed his fist into the concrete wall, his anger spiking when it failed to make him feel better.

“Alec, calm down.”

“He’s gonna do something stupid,” Alec protested, not even pausing to listen to what his sister was trying to say. “We need to find him.  _ Now _ .” 

“Alec!” He ignored her calling his name as he turned on his heel and stormed out of the Institute.

***

_ Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t be dead. Please. _

Alec repeated the same thing over and over again in his head as he walked through the streets of New York, crowded even at night. He was clutching the seraph blade he’d borrowed from Jace weeks earlier on some mission when there was no Clary in their lives and no threat of rapidly approaching war looming over their heads. The signal was weak but it was there. Jace must have been too shaken up to use a blocking rune which Alec had always said would be his doom but for which he was now immensely grateful. For all that Jace loved to claim he had no feelings, he could be incredibly impulsive and emotional. Alec had never imagined it could be a good thing. 

  
  


***

Blood. It was the first thing he saw. His gaze zeroed in on the red visible even in the dim light and his heart stopped. It lasted for maybe a second before he noticed Jace. After that it was just pure instinct as he tackled his parabatai to the ground before he could do something he’d regret for the rest of his life. 

“Are you out of your mind?” Alec demanded, pinning Jace to the rough sidewalk and settling his weight more fully on top of him, securely so that he couldn’t move.

“He was a circle member,” Jace spat back, just as angry, fingers wrapping around Alec’s wrists where he had his palms flat on Jace’s chest. 

“The Clave will handle that,” Alec protested. It was an automatic response, years of hearing that meant he didn’t even pause to consider it before the words were out. He didn’t expect the bitter laugh it got out of Jace. 

“The Clave let him go once and look where it got us.”

“So you’re going to kill all ex Circle members? Even our parents?”

Jace froze for a split second, some strange grimace passing over his face which Alec wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined. 

“They’re not my parents.”

“You said it yourself. They raised you-”

“Alec,” Jace whispered, shaking his head. There was something broken in his eyes and Alec tried desperately to reach him through their bond only to find he  _ couldn’t _ . 

“Just calm down,” he said, patting Jace on the chest lightly before slowly getting off him, watchful of his every move. He didn’t know if his words were meant for Jace or himself. “Calm down,” he repeated, voice barely more than a whisper, thinking back to how he’d been kissing Magnus in front of everyone mere hours ago. Why couldn’t his life be simple just this once, for a few hours, before he had to return to the bleak reality?

Maybe not so bleak now, after all. He did have Magnus.

Throwing one last cautious glance at Jace who was still lying on the ground, eyes closed as he breathed shakily, Alec crawled over to where Hodge was grasping at his own arm, face twisted in a grimace of pain. That was his mistake. With his attention focused on trying to stop the bleeding, he failed to keep an eye on his parabatai. When he turned around several minutes later, Jace was gone again. 

***

One moment of peace and quiet. Or at least one of those if both were too much to ask for. One moment to sit down with his boyfriend and have some of those colourful drinks which still tasted far from good but which Alec was beginning to appreciate anyway. But that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? 

What we got instead was his mother’s fury as they strode into the Institute with Hodge still bleeding, the Iratze not quite enough to heal the wound Jace had made. As if he needed any more crap now that Jace was god knows where once again. 

_ Please don’t be an idiot. Don’t go to Valentine. I need you. _

He’d spent countless nights wishing that he could somehow shut the bond, so there would be no whirlwind of emotions. It was dangerous. The feelings he had for Jace - the feeling he  _ thought _ he had for Jace, Alec corrected himself quickly - and which he was terrified Jace would find out about. But also Jace’s own emotions which Alec could feel whether he wanted to or not and which were a constant reminder that the two of them were connected forever. A reminder Alec was no longer even allowed to have these perverted thoughts. And now, for the first time, he wished he could communicate with Jace through the bond, because there was nothing he wanted more than to yell at his parabatai for being an idiot and leaving him alone again. 

A warm hand on the bare skin of his forearm made him start. His heart jumped for one second before silky voice followed the touch and Alec suddenly hated himself that little bit more for how he’d wished it was Jace.

“Alexander?” 

“I’m fine,” Alec said. He stopped himself at the last second from jerking his arm away from Magnus’s fingers which felt like they were burning his skin. He leaned into the touch instead, stepping closer to Magnus and exhaling shakily. 

“I hate him sometimes,” he whispered. It felt wrong to be discussing Jace with Magnus, it’d always felt wrong, but Alec wanted this to work, and for that he needed to be honest. They both did. 

“No, you don’t,” Magnus protested without missing a beat and Alec could have sworn the grip on his arm got tighter. 

“No. I don’t,” he agreed with a sigh. 

Tearing his glare away from the floor, he looked up at Magnus instead 

“I wish we could just leave,” he admitted, his voice barely more than a whisper. He couldn’t really explain it but it felt like a secret. Shadowhunters weren’t supposed to want to take breaks when their parabatai went missing and murderous maniacs roamed the streets in possession of what was effectively a weapon of mass destruction. Especially not when they wanted to spend those breaks in the company of their warlock boyfriend, having drinks or… Alec had the guts to admit, even if only to himself, that it wasn’t what he wanted them to do. The memory of Magnus’s bare skin under his hands flashed across his mind and his fingers spasmed as if they wanted to grasp the fabric of Magnus’s T-shirt and rip it apart.

Magnus was watching him, eyes still soft and full of something Alec didn’t have a name for, not yet, but his eyebrows were raised and the corners of his mouth twitching like he was trying very hard not to laugh. Alec cleared his throat and shifted uneasily. He’d been staring. Then he realized he was technically allowed to do that now and looked up to meet Magnus’s gaze. His cheeks were on fire but it was worth it to see Magnus’s tender smile (only for him, nobody else got to see this softness in Magnus’s eyes, only Alec and he didn’t deserve it, he really didn’t, but by the Angel he was selfish enough to take everything Magnus was willing to offer anyway). 

“He’ll be okay,” Magnus muttered, running his hand up and down Alec’s arm twice before he reached his hand, gripping it tightly. Alec must have imagined it but he thought there was a second of hesitation before that move. 

He had no idea how to reply to that. He wanted to believe Magnus -  _ desperately _ \- so he did, wordlessly leaning down to rest his forehead against Magnus’s. Gathering up all the courage his exhausted body could muster, he pressed their lips together briefly. It could just barely be considered a kiss but it still made Alec feel like everything would be fine. It had to be.

***

Seeing his…  _ boyfriend? _ Alec really needed to have a talk with Magnus about that… seeing Camille with her arms wrapped around  _ Magnus _ , kissing him… Alec couldn’t close his eyes without the scene playing out at the forefront of his brain. But at least she’d taken them to her apartment which meant they were slightly closer to finding the book. Alec was really sick of it and he’d never even seen the damn thing. 

“Alexander.” Magnus’s voice was soft, almost afraid. Alec glanced around but there was no sign of Valentine, no sign of… anything, really. Just the two of them and a bunch of paintings which may have been priceless or absolute shit, Alec had no clue. 

Reassured that there were no shax demons about to tear them apart, he turned to Magnus. Only to find the warlock biting his lip as he watched him with an uncertain expression. 

“What you saw earlier…”

Alec shook his head.  _ Timing, Magnus, timing _ .

“It’s ancient history. I don’t have any feelings for her anymore,” Magnus continued, not noticing or maybe just not wanting to notice Alec’s reaction.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Magnus protested immediately. “But I promise it won’t happen again. She caught me off guard.”

“Wish I could catch  _ her _ off-guard,” Alec muttered, fingers itching for his seraph blade. He only realized he’d said it out loud when he noticed Magnus’s raised eyebrows. “Later,” he promised, having hesitated for only a moment, relieved when Magnus answered him with a smile and a nod.

“Later.”

***

It all went to hell so quickly, Alec could barely comprehend, let alone  _ stop _ it. He should have though. Should have seen it coming. It’d be too easy. And Jace was stupid enough, reckless enough to do something like that. Alec  _ should have known _ .

As if Valentine showing up wasn’t bad enough, Jace obviously had to go and let himself get kidnapped. Because that what it was, for all intents and purposes. Because he was an idiot who refused to stop and think about how his actions affected other people.

“Get back,  _ get back _ ,” Jace demanded, arms spread out, something dangerous crackling in his eyes. If he didn’t know any better, Alec might have even been afraid of him. “Alec, I mean it.” He didn’t know why he was the one singled out. Or maybe he did because Jace was right, his entire body was  _ aching _ with the need to throw himself forward, to protect his parabatai. 

But no matter how much it hurt him physically, some strange force tugging at the rune on his side in a way he’d never felt before, Jace’s words immediately brought him to a halt and he took a reluctant step backwards, back to where he could hear Magnus let out a relieved sigh. Jace sent him one last look which made breath catch in Alec’s lungs and then he was  _ gone _ , stepping through the portal with Valentine gripping his arm. And Alec could do nothing but watch. 

***

Magnus’s couch again, a drink in his hand, this feeling of  _ deja vu _ he couldn’t quite shake. He was numb inside, wanted to blame it on the whiskey, but couldn’t. It was Jace’s fault and how many times had he repeated that sentence already? Like a broken record.

“Alexander?” Magnus’s voice was soft, the pitch rising slightly towards the end like Magnus was hesitating to pull Alec out of whatever dark thoughts he’d been drowning in again. It was supposed to be all better now. He had Magnus. The only problem was that half of his soul was missing and that wasn’t something that could put you in a good mood. 

“I hate him,” he muttered, relishing in the way the bitter liquid burned in his throat as he downed the rest of his drink. 

“No, you don’t.” It was a distant echo of their earlier conversation. Not even a day had passed but Alec felt like he’d aged a century in the last twenty-four hours. Time was relative with Clary Fairchild in your life.

“No, I don’t,” Alec agreed immediately, setting the empty glass down on the coffee table. “Really wish I could, though.”

He caught Magnus smiling sadly out of the corner of his eye. The warlock sighed quietly before pushing himself away from where he’d been leaning against the wall across from Alec. He came to a stop right in front of Alec, their knees almost touching, and crunched down in front of him. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” he muttered, resting one of his hand on top of Alec’s and gently working his fingers open until he was no longer digging his nails into his palms. 

“He’s my parabatai,” Alec protested with a sigh, staring down at their joined hands, just so that he wouldn’t have to look Magnus in the eye. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

“Tell me,” Magnus encouraged gently. That finally got Alec looking up, staring at the warlock with wide eyes, barely breathing anymore. 

“It’s like… Imagine that half of your soul is missing. That there’s a piece of someone inside you, you feel their emotions and their pain and it’s been like this for years. And then they’re gone. Just like that. And you can’t feel  _ anything _ . Magnus, it…” Alec trailed off, swallowing with difficulty, his throat dry. “It terrifies me,” he finished pitifully.

“Sweetheart,” Magnus whispered, reaching out to brush his fingers against Alec’s cheek. He looked almost as pained as Alec felt and it was a poor substitute for having his parabatai back but Alec would take it more than willingly. Because this had to mean something. Magnus didn’t share Alec’s soul, couldn’t feel his pain. And yet… 

And yet Alec could almost be fooled into believing he did and somehow that made him less lonely. It was easy to care when your soul was bound to someone else’s. But Magnus cared because it was hurting Alec and that was a train of thought Alec wasn’t ready to entertain just yet, no matter how good it might have felt. Soon though. Very soon because Magnus was making him feel things he’d never dreamed of feeling and he wanted to do stupid things he’d never dared to imagine. Magnus was worth taking a risk for - all the risks. 

“Can you just…” Not knowing quite how to put his plea into words, Alec resigned to pulling Magnus up and onto the couch. Refusing to overthink it, he wrapped his arms around Magnus’s waist and hid his face in the crook of the warlock’s shoulder. If Magnus felt any surprise at the move, he didn’t let it show. His hands came up to rub up and down Alec’s back reassuringly, his voice low and comforting right next to Alec’s ear.

“I’ve got you. You’re gonna be just fine, I promise.”

And just like that, Alec let himself believe mere words again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I pretty much wrote the whole thing right after I posted the last chapter but there was this little piece of dialogue which I just couldn't get to work no matter what I did.

Alec couldn’t sleep. It seemed to be the leading theme of his life lately, more so than before. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, not anymore, not when he had Magnus, when he’d done the one thing he’d been terrified of his entire life and it turned out to be okay. 

It was Jace’s fault. It always was Jace’s fault because for some reason Alec had chosen the most reckless, self-sacrificing idiot to ever exist to become his parabatai. Alec wanted to hate him, not for the first time in his life, but he just  _ couldn’t _ . It was wrong to take it all out on Magnus but he couldn’t help himself. Half of his soul was missing, God knows where and Alec couldn’t do anything about it. He needed Jace. Jace, who was with Valentine. 

Alec didn’t even want to imagine what Jace could be going through and yet he couldn’t think about anything else. He’d heard some stories - Jace was hardly one to share a lot about his childhood but he did  _ with Alec _ . He’d been woken up enough times to Jace crawling into his bed, shaking all over and almost crying. He’d seen the haunted look in Jace’s eyes whenever he sat in front of the piano. He could probably guess pretty well what kind of hell Jace must be going through at that moment. And he was helpless. 

He kicked the blanket off with a frustrated groan and practically jumped out of the bed. He needed to see Magnus. That was the best thing in his life right now and he refused to screw it up before it could even really begin. Magnus meant too much to him. Alec couldn’t just lose him like that because Jace had no self-preservation instinct. 

He did  _ not _ sneak out of the Institute, praying to the Angels that no one would notice him. He marched through the OP center, his strides slow and purposeful, head held high, daring anyone to question him. Maybe they would think he was going out on business but most of them would probably - correctly - assume he was going out for a late night date with his boyfriend. He hoped they’d think that. 

Bumping into his baby sister, on the other hand, should have been avoided.

“Where are you going?” She asked, narrowing her eyes at him cocking her head to the side. With her shoulders squared and her hands on her hips she looked as dangerous as she was. What Alec didn’t understand was the reason for her anger. He would have expected her to be… happy? excited? encouraging? Probably all of those things. 

“You can’t just go and look for Jace on your own. We have no idea where he is but he’s with Valentine who has an army of shadowhunters ready to-”

“Jace?” Alec repeated, as if he’d never heard that name before. 

Izzy blinked. Her eyes narrowed further as she studied Alec’s face. Then her features relaxed. 

“Sorry,” she said. “I thought you were- Oh never mind.” She smiled warmly, patting Alec’s arm, half-apologetically, half-reassuringly. Then a crease appeared between her eyebrows. Alec held his breath.

“But if you’re not looking for Jace…” She trailed off. Alec could practically see a lightbulb flashing over her head. The grin that appeared on Izzy’s face confirmed his doom, even before she squealed in disbelief, eyes wide and bright. 

“Are you sneaking out to see Magnus?” She asked.

Alec pressed his lips together and didn’t reply. Izzy’s grin widened. 

“I’m so proud of you,” she exclaimed. Some people turned to look at them but Alec ignored it. He loved his sister so much. Then she spoke up again. “It’s pretty late for a date.” The tone of her voice was suggestive enough to tell Alec exactly what she meant, even without the smirk that accompanied it. 

Alec thought about Magnus’s body pressed close to his and how his voice got lower when it was just the two of them. His cheeks were burning. 

Izzy laughed and shook her head. Then her expression softened as she stepped closer. 

“You should go for it,” she whispered, smoothing out some non-existent wrinkles on Alec’s jacket. “It’s okay, I promise.”

She sent him one more smile, her hand lingering on Alec’s arm, before walking away, her heels clicking against the stairs. As much as Alec hated to admit it, he had needed to hear those words more than he had known. 

***

Magnus was still up. Alec had expected it but it surprised him when the door opened before he could raise his fist to knock. Magnus was spread out in one of his armchairs, a drink in hand, staring at something only he could see.

“Alec,” he said. The lack of emotions in his voice made Alec shudder. “What can I do for you?”

It reminded Alec of another scene, just like this one, no more than a couple of days earlier. In that other life where he was still pretending that he could live in a loveless marriage and that family and honor mattered more than anything.  _ What about love? _

He shook his head. Magnus was looking at him expectantly. He’d put up walls around himself again. Not literal, at least not yet, but Alec was expecting them to pop up at the first wrong word. He’d screwed up. 

“I’m sorry,” he tried and cringed at the words. It wasn’t enough. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” he tried again. 

No barbwire fences sprang up in the room. Alec took it as a good sign. But Magnus still hadn’t said anything. 

“With Jace gone, I just… I’m not myself.” He thought he saw Magnus’s eyes flash at the mention of his parabatai. “I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

The silence stretched for ages. Alec’s heart was beating so loud, Magnus must have been able to hear it in the stillness of the loft. Nobody moved. Alec didn’t dare to and Magnus… Alec didn’t know what Magnus was thinking and it unsettled him even more. 

Then the still full glass disappeared from Magnus’s hand as he got up. The soft, almost sad smile on his face made Alec relax a little. 

“I’m sorry too,” Magnus whispered, coming closer to rest his hand on Alec’s cheek. “I know how much he means to you.”

Alec closed his eyes and exhaled shakily. He leaned into the touch, relishing in the feeling of Magnus so close to him. For a moment he’d been afraid he was about to lose it. He couldn’t lose it. Not for anything in the world. 

“You mean a lot to me,” Alec whispered, not trying to contradict what Magnus had said about Jace. But he needed to remind Magnus that he was important, that Alec couldn’t imagine not having him in his life anymore. Especially not now. 

He didn’t mean much by the kiss, all he wanted was to feel Magnus so close to him again, to feel like he belonged someplace. But then the kiss grew heated and logic went out of the window as his skin started tingling wherever Magnus touched him. It was a need so great, it threatened to overpower him completely, overpower his common sense and reason, but it wasn’t purely physical. Alec didn’t know how to describe it, how to explain to Magnus what he wanted. Words failed him once again and he was left to cling onto Magnus like he was drowning and Magnus was the last thing keeping him afloat.

That’s what it’d felt like lately, so maybe the metaphor wasn’t so far off.

“Alec,” Magnus gasped, pulling back. Alec followed mindlessly, before realizing Magnus was trying to tell him something. “We should… we should stop.”

“I don’t want to,” Alec whispered against Magnus’s lips, one hand coming up to stroke Magnus’s cheek tenderly. “Can you…” he trailed off, biting his lip and staring into Magnus’s eyes, not knowing how to proceed. He was so far out of his depth here and it didn’t scare him even half as much as he’d always thought it would. 

Magnus was  _ safe _ . The little piece of stability Alec craved more than air. 

“You’re not thinking clearly,” Magnus said, resting his forehead against Alec’s. His eyes were closed and he looked almost pained. Alec shivered, suddenly cold without Magnus’s arms wrapped around him. He watched wordlessly as Magnus stepped back, exhaling shakily, before opening his eyes again. “Let’s… let’s watch a movie, yeah?”

“I…” Alec hesitated but Magnus didn’t really wait for an answer before turning on his heel and striding away in the direction of the living room. “Sure. A movie,” Alec muttered to no one, allowing himself another moment to mourn what could have happened, before following his boyfriend. He’d be sure to pick the longest movie he could find and get Magnus to snuggle with him for the duration of it. He deserved that much.

***

It didn’t go quite to plan. Or maybe rather… it had been going great until suddenly it wasn’t. That was Alec’s own silly fault though. To be more precise, it was the fault of his nonexistent self-control when it came to his boyfriend (how he loved calling Magnus that, even in his own head), as well as said boyfriend’s inability to sit still for more than fifteen minutes. Alec was only human (Nephilim, whatever, angel blood didn’t help in the slightest) and he could only ignore Magnus squirming against him for so long. His patience snapped in half after less than an hour, not that Magnus seemed to mind when Alec suddenly pressed himself closer and kissed Magnus breathless. He’d probably seen the movie a hundred times already anyway. And wasn’t that what watching movies implied? Alec would have to ask someone about it later. 

They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, Alec’s arm resting on the backrest, palm pressed between Magnus’s shoulder blades to keep him in place. Not that Magnus had any intention of leaving. His fingers were tangled in Alec’s hair and he was tugging at it absent-mindedly every now and again, sending pleasurable jolts straight down to Alec’s groin. He was already almost painfully hard and would be embarrassed about it but Magnus was biting at his lips and licking his way into Alec’s mouth with such single-mindedness, Alec doubted there was any danger of him noticing the very conspicuous bulge in his pants. 

Mimicking what Magnus had been doing to him, Alec swiped his tongue over Magnus’s lips which earned him a soft groan that had him using whatever he had left of his willpower not to push Magnus back into the soft cushions. If their previous track record was anything to go by, Magnus should be stopping him right about now. And, as if he could read Alec’s mind, Magnus chose that exact moment to press his hand to Alec’s chest and push him away ever so slightly. The fingers of his other hand were still tangled in Alec’s hair and Alec didn’t know what to make of all the mixed signals he was getting. 

“Alexander…”

“Why do you keep doing this?” Alec asked, trying and failing to keep the hurt out of his voice. “Am I doing something wrong?”

There was a short pause during which Magnus stared at him with an unreadable expression. Alec’s heart sunk. He made to get up but Magnus grabbed his arm before he could. 

“I don’t want you to do something impulsive and then regret it later,” he said so quickly, Alec needed a second to figure it out. Magnus’s expression was open and vulnerable and Alec wanted to have him safe in his embrace, preferably somewhere on a deserted island where no one could ever hurt him again. His thoughts just kept getting stranger every day, it seemed. 

“I won’t,” he said, reaching out for Magnus’s hand. “Magnus, I-” he gritted his teeth against the words he wasn’t supposed to say. “I won’t regret it,” he said after a long while during which he tried not to squirm under Magnus’s confused stare. 

“You’re not thinking clearly,” Magnus said again and Alec shook his head but Magnus wasn’t done yet. “You said it yourself, with Jace gone it’s like half of your soul is missing. You’re just-” 

Alec narrowed his eyes. He had a nagging suspicion he knew where Magnus was going with this, especially when he saw the panicked  _ oh shit I said too much _ blush he was personally acquainted with, but he really hoped to all the Angels that he was wrong. 

_ You’re just lonely. You don’t really want me. You just miss Jace. _

“Magnus…” 

“You should go,” Magnus decided suddenly, getting up. Alec was left sitting there on the couch, his hand hanging awkwardly in mid-air where he’d been gripping Magnus’s palm just a second earlier. 

“No,” he said, standing up and squaring his shoulders. Then he realized it was the pose he was supposed to adopt when reporting back from a mission but which might be less than ideal for an honest conversation with his boyfriend. Clearing his throat, he shifted his weight awkwardly, trying to adopt a less Shadowhunter-ish stance.

“No?” Magnus repeated, one eyebrow raised. He looked almost threatening, suddenly making Alec aware of just how powerful Magnus really was - it was so easy to forget with how gentle he was with Alec, always had been - but there was something in his eyes that told Alec to push forward. 

“Can you just…” he licked his lips, considering his words carefully. “Just talk to me?” 

For a second he was sure Magnus was going to use force to get him out of his apartment. But then he bit his lip and looked away, exhaling shakily. He opened and closed his mouth several times. Alec realized, not without some horror, that he would have to be the one taking the lead here. He could do that. He’d done that before when he interrupted his own wedding to kiss Magnus and it turned out great. 

“Magnus, I promise you that Jace has nothing to do with it,” Alec said, voice low. He took a tentative step towards Magnus, who had his arms crossed on his chest and was curled-in on himself like he wanted to hide from the world. It was a side of him that Alec had never seen, had never  _ expected _ , and it made him realize that he had the power to break one of the most powerful man in the world with mere words. 

“He has nothing to do with… this  _ thing _ between us.” He wasn’t sure if he could call it a relationship. The last thing he wanted was to scare Magnus off. “You’re not jealous of him are you?” He asked, the sudden thought like a cold bucket of water. 

Magnus glanced up at him, eyes narrowed and shoulders stiff. Then he sighed, all the tension leaving his body, and walked back to Alec. His hand was warm on Alec’s arm and he allowed himself to relax a bit at the touch, even though Magnus hadn’t answered his questions.

“I’m not,” Magnus whispered, staring down at where he stroked his hand down Alec’s forearm to grip his hand. “Not really,” he added. 

“He’s my parabatai,” Alec said. “Our souls are connected and always will be but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Magnus bit his lip. He was silent for a long time, long enough for Alec to start wondering if he’d said something wrong or if maybe he should have said more but he didn’t know what, there were no words to explain what he was feeling but he needed Magnus to understand and- 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered, finally looking up to meet Alec’s eyes. 

“What?” Alec asked before he could think better about it, completely caught off-guard by Magnus’s apology. “You’re sorry? Why? I don’t…” 

“I know it’s a lot.  _ I’m _ a lot. And you deserve so much better. I know I’m not good enough for you but-”

“You’re not good enough for me,” Alec repeated slowly, as if to check if the words would change their meaning if he said them. They didn’t. “Magnus…” It was like the wedding all over again. Alec  _ couldn’t breathe _ , his whole body aching with something he couldn’t quite grasp but it hurt him physically that Magnus couldn’t see that if anyone wasn’t good enough in that room, it was Alec himself. “Magnus…” 

He kissed Magnus, knowing that it wouldn’t be enough to convey exactly what he felt but it was a start and it gave him a moment to gather his thoughts. 

“Magnus, please, don’t ever think that again,” he gasped out, hands on Magnus’s cheeks. It hurt him physically, his heart clenching painfully at the realization that someone must have put those thoughts in Magnus’s head. “You deserve me, ok? You may be the best thing that’s happened to me in my miserable life and I wish I knew how to make you see this.”

“Alec,” Magnus said softly. He sighed, pressing his forehead to Alec’s. His eyes were closed and his breath shaky. Alec didn’t know what to do to get that expression off his face, so he kissed him again, soft and loving, trying to nonverbally say the words he couldn’t say - not yet. 

“Should I leave?” Alec asked when they broke apart to breathe. Magnus’s eyes shot open and he bit his lip. “It’s ok if you want me to,” Alec assured, even though he wanted nothing more than to stay longer, stay forever, even though it was probably too early to even  _ think _ such things. Alec could afford to be illogical, just this once, just about this. 

“Do  _ you  _ want to leave?” Magnus asked, his tone betraying none of his thoughts and Alec pulled back with a sigh. 

“No,” he admitted truthfully. “But it’s-”

“Stay,” Magnus whispered, not letting Alec finish the sentence. “I want you to stay.”

Alec nodded, mouth dry. Things were far from perfect, his parabatai was still missing and they were in the middle of a war but at least he had this. The High Warlock of Brooklyn was laying his heart at Alec’s feet, open and vulnerable like Alec had never expected and all Alec could think about was how much he wanted to make all of Magnus’s doubts and insecurities go away. He’d fallen harder than he’d been prepared for and it felt better than he could have imagined. For one night he’d let himself pretend there were no responsibilities and no bigger problems and just stay with his boyfriend, happy to do nothing more than watch movies and cuddle till dawn. Pretend that his life could really be this simple. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I could end here and put the rest in a sequel. I'll probably stick with it but I wanted to give you a heads up in case I decide to mark it as complete. Either way this isn't the end of the story yet. 
> 
> And [!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!]it's not really the end of jalec[SPOILER ALERT].
> 
> Happy New Year, everyone! <3


End file.
